As we’ve previously stated, there aren’t aliens in Area 51. We can all agree that they lived there once, playing ping-pong and watching Happy Days from their secret alien lounge. But our space friends have long since departed their old home—a fact that makes the decision to gather a shit-ton of people to storm the air force base this September valuable only as an exercise in testing the combat readiness of Nevada’s military forces.
To make this as clear as possible, the world’s foremost Area 51 conspiracy theorist, whistleblower Bob Lazar (who first started talking about his purported work at the base back in 1989 and was recently the subject of a documentary) has taken to Instagram to warn the masses not to waste their time with the event.
For anyone who thought they could count on Uncle Bob to applaud their efforts to locate and free the aliens we all know are currently hiding out in other government bases (and driveways) across the country, let his post be a warning.
Sustainable beauty
Caprea’s Essential Organic PH Cleanser is just $10 with promo code TEN. Normally $19, this foaming face wash is crafted with organic Monoi oil. It’s meant to target the production of oil secretion while protecting your skin against air pollution. Normally $19, you can save big on this richly-lathering face wash while supporting a brand that keeps the environment top of mind.
“I do understand [the Facebook event] was started as a joke by someone,” he writes. “But there are a number of people who are actually planning on showing up. This is a misguided idea.”
Thoroughly committed to spoiling the fun of seeing 1.6 million or so people Naruto-running through the desert, Lazar continues to explain that, in his expert opinion, there aren’t any “aliens or alien technology located [at the base]” and that “the only place there was ever any alien technology was at Site S4, south of Area 51 proper... 30 years ago.”
“I do not support this ‘movement,’” he adds, casting a real pall over the whole thing. “This is not the way to go about trying to get more information.”
With so much push back, some may start to believe that Lazar has finally been compromised. Though we used to believe that the aliens had moved on to a new headquarters, such strong resistance to the idea of a mass investigation might mean that our bug-eyed grey pals are actually still at the air base and the Men In Black are putting everything they’ve got into a desperate misinformation campaign. Even now, Lazar may himself be tied up in a secret facility, forced to use his influence to dissuade mind-blowing secrets from finally being revealed. Or maybe he just doesn’t want the US Air Force to gun everyone down because an incredibly popular joke event based, in part, on the wild stories he’s been telling for 30 years is becoming too real. It’s impossible to say.
[via Mashable]
Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com