August 13, 2008

After six months of marriage—I'm a straight
male—the sex had become routine but enjoyable. To remedy this, my wife
and I discussed new things we might like to try. We were both being shy, so I
said the first thing that came to mind: "Anal?" My wife got quiet and the
conversation ended.

A couple weeks later, she brought up the
conversation and showed me an article of yours that said if a man wants anal,
he should take it first. I explained I wasn't that interested and that I only brought
it up to spark a discussion. That sparked an argument. She also told me that
she had already spent a lot of money on a strap-on because "you wanted this so
bad."

Now anytime I bring up any kind of sex, it
restarts this argument. She insists that I would not have brought up anal if I
didn't really want it, and says I'm being unfair by not agreeing to give it up
first. I just figured most couples at least experimented with anal. And while I
understand you feel differently, I feel having sex with a cock, whether it is
flesh or rubber, carries a homosexual implication.

My One Way Orifice

If having sex with a cock—flesh or
rubber—carries a homosexual implication, then it would appear that you're
an old pro at this gay sex stuff, MOWO, seeing as you've been having sex with a
cock since you started giving yourself handjobs at—what? Twelve?
Thirteen?

Backing up a bit: Straight men who are curious about
anal penetration—the penetration of their own anuses—often create
elaborate fantasy scenarios in which they're compelled to submit.
Cruel-and-domineering-mistress scenarios, gay-rape scenarios,
giving-it-up-to-get-it scenarios. These fantasies, while totally legit (and
sometimes terribly hot), are also very revealing. Many straight men, it seems,
view anal penetration as a pure power-and-domination trip for the top, and
receptive anal sex as a nightmare to be endured.

But, hey, I'm willing to suspend my disbelief, MOWO,
and accept your rough and implausible premise: Your sex life went stale after
six months of marriage despite the fact that you married the kind of woman
who'll run out and buy a strap-on dildo the very first time her husband
broaches the subject of anal sex. Alrighty…

It sure sounds like your wife is the one who's really
interested in anal, MOWO. It also sounds like your wife is trying to shift all
responsibility to you—insisting that you're the obsessed
one—perhaps because, like many women, she believes (or worries that her
husband believes) that "good" girls don't have filthy butt-sex fantasies. By
insisting that this is all about you, MOWO, your wife doesn't have to admit to
herself or to you that she's a dirty, dirty perv. She's just a nice, indulgent
wife.

But since she's the one who ran out and bought a
strap-on at the first hint of a discussion about anal sex, well, that's a
pretty good indication that your wife was harboring pegging
fantasies—that is, a woman doing a man in the butt with a strap-on
dildo—long before you broached the subject. Perhaps it was my column that
perved her, or maybe she went to the kind of college where they screen Bend
Over Boyfriend during freshman
orientation. (Yeah, I'm looking at you, U-Pitt.)

And yes, MOWO, I do happen to believe that the best
way for a straight man to demonstrate to a straight woman that anal sex can be
mutually pleasurable—that it's not (necessarily) about dominance and
degradation—is to do the gentlemanly thing and go first. Or if I may
paraphrase Barack Obama: Straight men? Sometimes you gotta be the change that
you seek.

And yes, MOWO, there are "homosexual implications" to
pegging. (There will also be homosexual exclamations: If she pegs your ass
properly, you should be squealing like a gay-pride-float dancer or an Idaho
Republican.) But you can explore anal pleasure—your anus, mutual pleasure—without
a scary ol' strap-on. Let her lay a vibrator over your asshole, not stick one
in it. Or better yet, go buy a buttplug. Buttplugs looks like no dick you've
ever seen—outside of sci-fi porn, perhaps—and carry far fewer of
those dreaded homosexual implications.

My boyfriend and I have been monogamous for three
years. We consider ourselves open, we enjoy different kinds of sex, and our toy
collection is extensive. A couple of months ago, he brought up the fact that he
has fantasized about me with other men. The term is cuckolding, right? Anyhow,
at first I was slightly weirded out that he would even suggest it. But I'm
starting to find the idea intriguing. After all, it's a free pass to have sex
with another man and it would turn him on.

Now the questions: Are there any rules for this
particular fetish? How do we know if we can handle it? And if I have sex with
another man… does that mean I have to let him have sex with another woman? Any
advice about this and other forms of "open" relationships would be GREATLY
appreciated.

New Experience Really Valuable Or Ultimate
Screwup?

"It's interesting that when your boyfriend shared his
fantasy with you, you jumped right to the term 'cuckolding,'" says Tristan
Taormino, columnist, pornographer, and author of the new book Opening Up: A
Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships. "By definition, a cuckold is a married man whose
wife cheats on him behind his back. A cuckold fetishist, on the other hand, not
only knows about his wife's dalliances, but often enjoys the humiliation of
being forced to watch his wife bang the other dude or dudes."

Only your boyfriend knows for sure if it's cuckolding
he wants, NERVOUS, and there are no assumptions in successful open
relationships—and no "free passes" either.

"Nothing about responsible nonmonogamy involves a
free pass of any sort," says Taormino. "It's absolutely possible for you to
transform your monogamous relationship into one that's nonmonogamous. But you
need to sit down and hash out the details, including what's okay and what's
not." As for him sleeping with other women, it may well be that your boyfriend
wants to give you permission to sleep with others without being able to sleep
with others himself; that kind of power imbalance is a huge turn-on for most cuckolds.
Again, you'll have to talk to him.

And a final word from Taormino: "The more you hash
this out beforehand, the better you'll both feel."

The last time cuckolding came up in your column
you wrote: "Huge numbers of straight men have cuckolding fantasies." As a
straight man, I want to know: Are gay men with cuckolding fantasies few and far
between?

Ever Lost Innocence

Until DNA tests came along, ELI, only maternity could
be taken for granted; the cuckolding fetish is merely the boner-killing lemons
of male sexual/paternal insecurity turned into deliciously perverted bonerade.
Gay sex, on the other hand, doesn't make babies, only messes (which is all
straight sex makes 99.98 percent of the time). Which may explain why, as a
general rule, ELI, gay men aren't as threatened when our partners are "taken" by other men. Heck, many of us
are only too delighted to share.

In other words, ELI, when some other guy is doing my
boyfriend, it doesn't necessarily mean I'm being violated. It usually means I'm
having a three-way.

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