Bread dildos and other NSFW topics in this very special Wiki Wormhole

Well, I wish you good night
But first shit in your bed and make it burst
Sleep soundly, my love
Into your mouth your arse you’ll shove

He also wrote music with scatological lyrics, and while he often composed throwaway pieces, he filed his musical poop jokes alongside his masterpieces. One piece, “Leck mich im Arsch” (“Lick Me In the Ass,” the German equivalent to “kiss my ass”), was published as “Let Us Be Joyful” with completely new lyrics. (“Lick me in the ass nice and clean” was changed to “Nothing refreshes me more than wine.”)

Wikipedia being Wikipedia, the page carefully categorizes how many scatological letters he sent to various friends and relations, and presents and then dismisses several theories that claim Mozart suffered from some mental illness or another, when in fact people just can’t deal with the fact that one of the most brilliant composers in history also liked a good poop joke as much as the rest of us.

Kynodesme: NSFW! Before we even get into this one, be warned that the linked Wikipedia page contains not one but two pictures of a penis. That’s because the kynodesme was a leather strap that ancient Greeks used to tie their penis closed. Ancient Greek athletes competed au natural, and actors sometimes appeared nude, and while male nudity was common and accepted, exposing the glans of the penis—and only that part—was considered dirty and shameful. The solution was a thin leather strip that tied up the foreskin and kept the glans under wraps, so to speak. There were two different, uncomfortable-looking ways to tie up one’s foreskin; around the waist (holding the penis aloft) or around the base of the shaft. And, again, there are full-color photos, so avoid or enjoy those, depending on your priorities. And if you want more, there are links to a few other cultures’ penis-specific articles of clothing as well.

Peter Filandia: Quick shout-out to this Australian rules footballer, who was suspended for 10 games after biting an opponent’s scrotum during a match.

Bread dildo: We’re not actually sure if a dildo made of bread is a real historical thing or just a double entendre based on the shape of a loaf, and frankly, the evidence offered here seems pretty thin. Ancient Greek (yes, them again) writer Hesychius uses the word “olisbokollix,” which combines the words for “bread” and “dildo.” While the three surviving paintings that purportedly portray bread dildos involve women carrying a basket or vase full of phalli (the ancient equivalent to the proverbial bag of dicks), it’s not at all clear that they’re in any way baked goods.

Far more interesting and credible is the side note about the Babylonian Talmud. Fourth-century rabbi Rav Yosef bar Hiyya was asked how to deal with an obstruction of the urethra, and the suggested remedy was to “bring warm barley bread and place it upon his anus, and owing to the heat he emits semen.” The ejaculation was intended to make the extent of the blockage clear. While we’re neither a doctor, nor a rabbi, nor a baker, we feel like there are easier ways to make that happen than barley bread.

Further down the Wormhole: While bread makes for a questionable sex toy, it’s been a staple of cuisines across the world since the dawn of agriculture. An early method of leavening bread involved steeping it in wine as a source for yeast. Wine is nearly as old as bread, dating back to at least 7000 BC in ancient China. As the cause of—and solution to—all of life’s problems, wine has been getting people into trouble for millennia, with modern society adding driving under the influence to the list. Drunk driving kills thousands of people every year, as automobile-related problems go, but it still manages to be less controversial than the parking chair. We’ll look at this time-honored practice, which is either an inalienable right or an affront to the laws of God and man, when we run down more quick hits next week.