Today, Dane "Did I Wear My SuperFinger Shirt For This?" Cook caught a glimpse of his reflection in his darkened monitor, and sat back, aghast. "Who is this?" he wondered, grazing a hand over the top of his gel-stiffened hair to hear that familiar, comforting crunch. "What have I become?" Then, Cook noticed that Kate Hudson was next to him in the reflection, and the words "My Best Friend's Girl" were somehow suspended precariously over their heads. "Whew. My bad. It's just a poster for my new movie. This blows/sucks."

Cook then took to the online repository for nuanced observations about things that blow/suck, MySpace, to voice his opinions about this terrible, terrible poster.

Before the downpour let me just say that my new movie, "My Best Friends Girl," is the best / funniest film I've done yet. It's got a terrific cast. Kate Hudson, Alec Baldwin, Jason Biggs, and myself really kicked the funny around. This movie showcases our talents accordingly as it expands on them. It's a fun R-rated flick. An edgy comedy with a dash of romance.

That being said, let me address the fact that although I'm not a marketing major, I have a bit of a trusted reputation after 18 years self promoting. I'd like to inform you I had no say in this marketing campaign, but if I did, things would be different since it is obvious that this poster is boring / odd and has zero to do with the movie I performed in.

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Cook then went on to list ten things that "truly blow" about this poster, including the graphics, the fashion, the depiction of his head, and his final thoughts about the poster. However, nowhere in this list does Cook mention the biggest reason the My Best Friend's Girl poster truly blows: namely, the fact that it's promoting My Best Friend's Girl, a movie that shouldn't exist.

Cook then goes on:

Thanks again for all of your support. If you have not seen the red band trailer (which is excellent and represents the flick accordingly) click on the link at the top of this page.

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Here is that trailer, the worst part about which is, coincidentally, that it exists at all. [youtube:-xsGHJh3GQ8&]

Surprisingly though, Dane Cook didn't make a list of the top 10 things about the red band trailer that he thinks are the best/funniest/edgiest. So I've done it for him:

Top 10 Things That Are Truly Excellent About The My Best Friend's Girl Trailer, According To Dane Cook:

1. When I say "blowjob." I told you we kicked the funny around.

2. Two words: Pizza Cunnilingus

3. The part where I'm driving the car. I did my own stunts, you guys. And you wouldn't believe how badass it feels to drive a car while someone's shrieking like a cat with a firecracker up its cat-butt in the front seat. So dangerous.

4. When I put my hand down on the table and it goes, "Boom." Sound effects are killer in this movie. Seriously.

5. The fact that the plot is basically the same plot as Good Luck Chuck BUT FUNNIER. If you are expecting even more stuff about me kicking it—HARD, like a BONER—to the ladies while wearing a series of increasingly more artfully ripped jeans, you will NOT be disappointed.

6. Hello? Stripper scene? You better believe they wrote that for me. But I totally riffed that peephole line.

7. The part where I pretend to have feelings. It's called "range," motherfuckas, look it up. Oh wait, you don't have to, cause I showed it to you right there in the trailer.

8. Jager!!! That's right: this movie has Jagermeister product placement. How edgy is that? I'll tell you how edgy: It's like SuperFinger-but-with-razor-blades-instead-of -fingers edgy.

9. My ass. Obviously.

10. How we totally stab the Cars song "My Best Friend's Girl" over and over and over again until it stops moving, and is bleeding all over the floor of the theater. Man, I love that freakin' song.