December 9, 2009
I am a 23-year-old male who has been in a relationship with a great woman for four years now. She is an amazing person, and we oftentimes talk about marriage. The issue is this: I have a foot fetish, and she is fully aware of it. She doesn’t like the idea of me kissing her feet or indulging my fetish in any way. We have sex quite often, and I’ve always let it slide that she doesn’t want any part of my fetish. I don’t know what to do, because I’m at a stage in my sexual growth where I need to experience my fetish. I’m getting mixed advice from different people, and I just want a straight answer. The sex we have is amazing, but I would enjoy it so much more if I could act on my desires once in a while.
Sexually Frustrated Fetishist
Here’s a straight answer: Your amazing girlfriend is an amazingly selfish lover, and I’m amazed that you’ve put up with her bullshit for as long as you have. A foot fetish is not uncommon or outrageous; as fetishes go, SFF, yours is the least taxing for a non-kinky partner. It’s not like you’re into shit or choking or Christian side-hugs. Any amazing woman who truly loved you would regard indulging you as a no-brainer.
Share time: I have a good friend who isn’t kinky at all—unless you count being gay—and he’s a runner who goes for long runs every Saturday morning. When he gets home, he handcuffs his boyfriend to a chair in his kitchen, duct-tapes one of his sweaty sneakers over the boyfriend’s face, and leaves him there while he has breakfast. My friend—who came to me for advice when his boyfriend confessed his fetish—isn’t really into guys with sneakers duct-taped to their faces. But it gets his lover off, and isn’t that what lovers are for?
Your lover has had things—she’s had you—on her terms for four years, SFF, which means you’re going to have to play the breakup card. It’s the only leverage you have. Tell her that if she can indulge your fetish—happily and regularly—and take some pleasure in giving you pleasure, she might be “the one.” If she can’t or won’t, she obviously isn’t. (Not that “the one” is anything other than a destructive myth, but for the sake of winning this argument, go ahead and use it.)
Finally, SFF, don’t let the girlfriend—or anyone else—tell you that you’re threatening to end this relationship over something trivial. Sexual fulfillment is important, particularly if your relationship is exclusive. And the “triviality” of your kink cuts both ways: If your kink is so trivial, why not just indulge you, then? And in a long-term relationship—or a marriage—one partner’s sexual selfishness and another’s sexual frustration rarely prove trivial over the long haul. They’re more often grounds for divorce.
I am a 35-year-old partnered gay man, but I’ve been having an online conversation with a married bisexual man that has become an ongoing game of sexual dares. It’s a safe form of sexual adventurism for both of us. None of our dares has involved sexual contact with another person, but some of our dares have begun to involve other people at the edges. For example, we’ve posted ads to Craigslist as submissives and responded to some of the replies from dominant men. None of these interactions with third parties will result in actual contact. It feels a little like we are exploiting the “flakes” aspect of Craigslist, i.e., it’s common to hear from someone a few times after making contact on Craigslist and then never hear from them again. But it also feels a little like we are using these folks. Is this expansion of our game to involve other people ethical?
Concerned About Harming Craigslist Fellas
P.S. By the way, this letter is itself part of a dare. If you publish it and include a dare in the published reply, I will have to fulfill that dare.