Dr. Drew Cures Lindsay Lohan

Dr. Drew Pinksy, of Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew, Sex Rehab With Dr. Drew, and Dr. Drew's Ol' Fashioned Healing Vapors & Hair Tonic, is obviously a great doctor. He can diagnose life-threatening drug addiction just by listening to unsubstantiated rumors. He knows which cameramen will help the most in each individual addict's recovery. And he is great at uncovering and broadcasting an addict's childhood trauma—which is the only reason anyone becomes addicted to anything ever.

In fact, Dr. Drew is such a great doctor, he diagnosed then officially cured Lindsay Lohan via an interview with the always reliable gossip website RadarOnline.

First, Dr. Drew detailed his recommended course of therapy for Lohan:

"If she were my daughter, I would pack her car full with illegal substances, send her on her way, call the police, and make sure she was arrested. I would  make sure she was not allowed to get out of jail. I would then go to the judge and make sure she was ordered to a minimum of a three year sobriety program."

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I'm sure Dr. Drew already emailed this interview to the head of development at VH1, because in addition to being a terrific treatment plan for an addict (and also a morally sound thing to do), Dr. Drew's Celebrity Frame-Up & Jail For Addicts Featuring Dr. Drew would also make a great reality show.

But after pitching his new show/course of therapy for Lindsay Lohan, he added this:

"I would say it's less than a 1% chance of her making the decision to go to rehab. I have said this many times before, I believe that Lindsay will make a wonderful sober person, someday, if she survives this. I absolutely wish no harm to her, but I just have a feeling that something awful is going to happen to her, like she is going to lose a limb. I hope Lindsay gets help before something terrible happens."

Something terrible like having a celebrity doctor diagnose you on a gossip site, or tell you what you need to do, or plant drugs in your car then call the cops on you?

Still, Dr. Drew might have a point. Lindsay Lohan doesn't seem to be doing so well. You have to wonder if she's even thinking clearly—until you read her reaction to Dr. Drew's diagnosis:

In exclusive statements to Gossip Cop, Lohan reacted: “He’s a quack and a sell-out… Please tell him to stop!”

That's the most astute, clear-headed thing Lindsay Lohan has said in a long, long while. Dr. Drew must have cured her via the power of the gossip news cycle and several cases of his Addict-No-More Elixir & Diaper Rash Treatment. He truly is a magical healer!