Dwayne Johnson smeared with scurrilous accusation that he runs like Tom Cruise

Using the complex system of pulleys that allows him to flex his trapezoids, sending 250-pound weights soaring skyward until they alight, like a bird on a briar, gently tapping the stylus carefully positioned above his phone, Dwayne Johnson has typed out another Instagram missive against those who have wronged him. This time, fortunately, there is no candy-ass to speak of, no chicken-shits to rebuke. There is only an as-yet-unnamed, undefined-ass producer on Johnson’s upcoming movie Rampage, who has made the damaging mistake of comparing the way Dwayne Johnson runs with Tom Cruise.
Dwayne Johnson does not run like Tom Cruise, Dwayne Johnson states emphatically. Dwayne Johnson runs like Dwayne Johnson, with an aggressive gait that might once have stalked the wooly mammoth. It is a run with which man may have tamed the wily stallion, Alexander might have conquered Egypt, or Charles Dickens might have written A Christmas Carol. It is a run that echoes the breadth and depth of human history within its every cavernous footfall and it looks super, super badass, and this plebeian producer dipshit must now be called out before Instagram and the world for besmirching it.