As the hallways of our nation’s junior highs slowly fill with rancid blood tears, it’s obvious that something went horribly wrong last night—namely the awarding of a Grammy for Best New Artist to jazz musician Esperanza Spalding over Justin Bieber. The Recording Academy, having apparently missed the thesis statement of Never Say Never, never-ed all over Bieber’s hopes at winning the small token of recognition that might have finally validated his career choice in favor of recognizing jazz, which no one even listens to and doesn’t have a 3-D movie. Within seconds of Spalding crushing Justin Bieber’s windpipe, laughing cruelly in the face of his audience, and screaming, “Fuck you, Justin Bieber fans! Your devotion means you are stupid and your enemies are right to laugh at you”—metaphorically speaking—Twitter was engulfed by a riot of anti-Spalding sentiment that soon spilled over into the fiercest act of revenge at our 21st-century disposal: attacking her Wikipedia page.
Although it’s since been scrubbed of the evidence, the page quickly became a hotbed of lacerating satire, like an introductory sentence that noted Spalding’s Grammy win with the addendum, “JUSTIN BIEBER DESERVED IT GO DIE IN A HOLE. WHO THE HECK ARE YOU ANYWAY?” A second mention of her Grammy victory contained the riposte, “Even though no one has ever heard of her! Yay!” followed by the ominous rallying cry, “Biber [sic] 4 Lyfe”—the misspelling of which only speaks to the seriousness of their rage. Most damning of all, Spalding’s middle name was changed first to “Justin” and then “Quesadilla,” which everyone has to call her now. His heart connected to all things, Bieber sensed the discord and sought to quell the growing uprising, tweeting to his fans, “Was I upset…yes. But I was happy for her also. Someone said to me tonight its not your successes that define u but your failures.” Which is, of course, a coded message calling for escalation, lest his followers be defined by their failure to appease him. Fairly warned, Quesadilla Spalding should probably just stop playing music forever.