Esperanza Spalding invokes the bitter wrath of Bieber Nation
As the hallways of our nation’s junior highs slowly fill with rancid blood tears, it’s obvious that something went horribly wrong last night—namely the awarding of a Grammy for Best New Artist to jazz musician Esperanza Spalding over Justin Bieber. The Recording Academy, having apparently missed the thesis statement of Never Say Never, never-ed all over Bieber’s hopes at winning the small token of recognition that might have finally validated his career choice in favor of recognizing jazz, which no one even listens to and doesn’t have a 3-D movie. Within seconds of Spalding crushing Justin Bieber’s windpipe, laughing cruelly in the face of his audience, and screaming, “Fuck you, Justin Bieber fans! Your devotion means you are stupid and your enemies are right to laugh at you”—metaphorically speaking—Twitter was engulfed by a riot of anti-Spalding sentiment that soon spilled over into the fiercest act of revenge at our 21st-century disposal: attacking her Wikipedia page.