February 27, 2008
At first glance, I am
the guy your mother wants you to marry. Successful, sweet, clean-shaven. Below
the surface, I am the guy your mother warned you about: pierced tongue,
tattoos, a ton of kinks. A couple of months ago, I met a woman who wanted to be
a sex slave. We talked about relationship expectations, and because of a few
deal-breakers (she is older than me, she has kids from a past marriage, our
career goals differ) we said that this wasn't going anywhere beyond a temporary
fling. Now she comes to my house a couple of times a week, puts on lingerie,
blows me, does my dishes, blows me, gets tied up/spanked, picks up my dirty
laundry, blows me again, and then leaves. Needless to say, I am quite happy
with the situation.
Now I have met a great
woman who I like, and am looking to start a "normal" relationship with (read:
still hot kinky sex, just no need for her to crawl on all fours when she enters
my house, as fun as that is to watch). She has been hurt before and wants to
spend a long time "getting to know each other" before we move toward anything
physical. We have both acknowledged that we are interested in pursuing a
relationship, just not yet. Given my situation, i.e., all those blowjobs from
the submissive, I have no problems waiting as long as girlfriend-material wants
before we start something physical.
My question is on
Dom/sub slave etiquette. Assuming things with this new woman work out, at what
point should I break up with my sub? Should I tell her about the other woman?
Should I tell her in advance we are ending ("Your next visit will be our
last"), or should I just ask her to come over and break up then? ("We both knew
this was only going to last so long.") Do I help her find a new Dom? This isn't
a regular breakup, so I'm not really sure how to do it. My sub loves to serve,
so would it be cheating on my next girlfriend if I let her keep doing domestic
tasks for me, but nothing sexual? Should I tell my next girlfriend that I had a
sex slave for a while?
Deciding On Method
Hm. My mother never warned
me about guys with piercings, tattoos, or kinks. My mother did, however, warn
me about guys who think a hidden tattoo or a discreet piercing somehow makes
them more interesting than they actually are. "Those guys are always
douchebags," my mother used to say. Still does. But, hey, my mom isn't the
guest expert you need.
"The fact that you're
having a dominant/submissive relationship with this older woman is immaterial,"
says Mistress Matisse, a pro Dom, expert flogger, and prolific blogger
(mistressmatisse.blogspot.com). "It's an intimate sexual relationship, so
forget d/s in your handling of this. It's clear that you'd be happy to continue
on with them both, at least for a while, so the question is more polyamory
skills than BDSM etiquette."
So what does Matisse think
you should do?
"Tell both women exactly
what's going on, immediately," Matisse continues. "Your girlfriend-to-be wants
to get to know you? Well, if she can't handle the fact that you've been having
a d/s relationship, you better find that out now. Her response will certainly
give you a clue as to how kinky your future sex life with her might be. But
full disclosure, pronto, is best. Anyone who has been 'hurt before' is apt to
be touchy about discovering perceived dishonesty down the road."
And what about your sub?
"Your submissive is also
deserving of your honesty," says Matisse. "She may decide she wants to end your
relationship, or she may be willing to continue in a nonsexual arrangement if
that's offered her. If you are extremely lucky, your submissive and your
GF-to-be may decide they can coexist in some fashion, at least for now. God
knows I've dated men who really needed someone to pick up after them, and I
sure as hell wasn't going to do it."
And how does one properly
break up with a submissive, if it comes to that?
"Make a date with your
submissive and respectfully inform her that you are ending the relationship,"
says Matisse. "Wish her well and say good-bye, no last blowjobs for the road.
And do not offer to find her a new Dominant—trust me, she'll have no
trouble at all finding another Dominant to accept an arrangement like the one
you've described."
I'm trying to figure
out how to do a "Santorum" down here in New Orleans, where a repulsive state
senator named Steve Scalise is making a bid for the U.S. House Of
Representatives. The most recent occupants of this particular seat are Bobby
Jindal, who was just sworn in as our new Republican governor, and David Vitter,
now better known as the diaper-wearing, hooker-lovin' U.S. sinator. So
historically, the First District is a pretty good stepping-stone for ambitious
homophobes.
And Scalise
(stevescalise.com) may be the worst of the lot. He pushed through an
anti-gay-marriage-and-civil-union amendment a few years back, and he's really
playing up his fag-bashing, fetus- and gun-lovin,' anti-immigrant cred in his
campaign ads. My question is: What can I do to help derail this train? I think
you deserve a lot of credit for helping unseat Rick Santorum, and I'd love to
see what's showing up in Kandiss Crone's mailbox right about now. But I don't
have a legion of readers to mobilize. As unappetizing as it sounds, I'd be
willing to give Scalise a sacrifice blowjob if I thought we could trap him in a
men's room tryst, à la Larry Craig. Short of that, though, any ideas about what
one concerned citizen can do to help stop this creep?
Please Unseat Steve Scalise Yesterday
Whereas a great many
gay-bashing Republicans have turned out to be closeted homos (Craig, Haggard,
Allen, Murphy, et al.), and whereas spreading rumors of homosexuality is an old
Karl Rove trick that has been used to derail many a political career (see
"Richards, Ann"), and whereas this Scalise person is a Republican homophobe,
and whereas turnabout is fair play, and whereas you have access to the
Internets, PUSSY, be it resolved that you don't have to give Scalise that
sacrifice blowjob. All you have to do is claim to have blown this
Scalise person—or, more believably, to have been blown by this Scalise
person, as all closeted Republicans are oral bottoms. Since gay sex is no
longer illegal (thank you, Lawrence Vs. Texas), I'm not sure if it's
libel or defamation or anything if you ran around claiming you blew this guy.
But I could be wrong, PUSSY, so please check with your lawyer before you
register SteveScaliseSuckedMyDick.com.
Oh, and speaking of
Kandiss Crone, lots of Savage Love readers wrote to the Jackson, Mississippi,
teeveenewz reporter about her idiotic, sex-phobic "sting" of a sex-toy shop,
and many were kind enough to CC me. A sampling of Savage Love readers' letters to Crone
can be found at avclub.com/content/savage/crone.
In other sex-toys news,
last week the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Fifth Circuit ruled that Texas' ban
on sex toys was unconstitutional. (The ruling cited Lawrence Vs. Texas, a gift that just keeps
on giving.) And since Mississippi is under the Fifth Circuit's jurisdiction, it
would seem that sex toys—even three-dimensional, vibrating ones—are
now legal in Jackson, Mississippi. Someone alert Kandiss, please? [email protected].
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