Further Adventures In Press Releases

By Amelie Gillette | October 8, 2009 | 3:45pm

TV Features TV

From my inbox:

Dina Lohan, diva and star of the hit E! show "Living Lohan," as well as mother to actress and starlet Lindsay, will be holding a major press conference and media reception on Thursday October, 8th at 2pm at Trump Plaza, 725 5th Avenue to announce a creation of her new own shoe line, "Shoe-han'' as well as becoming a national spokesmodel for the popular LoveMyShoes.com retail designer ladies footwear stores.

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Dina Lohan is just so multi-talented, isn't she? Not only is she a star on the exclamation point network, but she also once birthed a child who went on to become a semi-successful actress, starlet, and tabloid personage! Do you know how many women have birthed such rarified creatures? Probably hundreds, thousands over the course of modern tabloid history, but whatever.

And not only does Dina Lohan house the uterus that once housed Lindsay Lohan, she is also a diva! That's a job now. Do you know how arduous the process of becoming a professional diva is? You have to purchase hundreds of tchochkes with the word "diva" written on them before you can even call yourself an amateur diva. It takes years of buying thousands upon thousands of diva-themed thingamagies—throw pillows, magnets, whimsical night-shirts, mugs, idiotic wall hangings, eye-masks that say "Don't Wake The Diva!" in gold cursive—before you attain professional diva status. Dina, clearly, has earned her title.

Now Dina is adding another title to her thoroughly unimpressive resume: shoe-line-haver. Yes: she has a shoe line. Called Shoe-han. Because apparently Dina Lohan is Chinese?

"Shoe-han" isn't even a proper pun for "Lohan." "Show-han" maybe, but "Shoe-han" only works if "Lohan" is pronounced "Lou-han."

But it gets better:

Other celebrities that have sold millions of shoes include: Vanessa Hudgens, Jessica Simpson, Gwen Stefani, Star Jones, Carlos Santana and more.

I hope every press release follows Dina Lohan's example and includes essentially random fun facts like "Dina Lohan is starting a shoe line. Other people who have shoe lines are Star Jones and Carlos Santana." It's like a report about the history of shoe lines written by a 3rd grader and press release all in one!

"Hayden Panittiere loves using Neutrogena Gentle Face Wash. Other celebrities who love using other kinds of face wash include: Meredith Viera, Christina Applegate, and Prince."

"Jessica Biel is launching a new line of cashmere sweaters called "Swbielters." Other types of sweaters in the world include: Wool, Acrylic, and Mohair."

LoveMyShoes.com hopes to have Dina's shoes available world-wide from coast to coast by Mother's Day. She will be appearing as a shoe fashionista later this on month on television and radio commercials. The shoe store chain was founded on Long Island, home of the Lohan family.

Too bad there's no Diva's Day, because that would be the perfect day to launch the shoe line by Dina Lohan, Professional Diva. But Mother's Day is just as good, cause she's a mom! Who apparently stuck her flag in the earth of Long Island long ago, claiming that territory for the clan of Lohan.