Nobody gets a Wienermobile

By Randall Colburn  |  February 28, 2020 | 10:48pm
Aux Features Wienermobile
Nobody gets a Wienermobile
Not this one. See below. Photo: Ben Hider

UPDATE: As tends to happen with all good things, the Wienermobiles were just a cruel joke, one that’s apparently been perpetuated before. Vancouver journalist Sean Craig called the listed number and the man on the other end says he’s being pranked. We regret falling for it, but will continue to hold onto hope that one day our streets will be filled with civilians driving Wienermobiles.

Ours is a generation raised on a wish: to be loved by one and all. Unfortunately, we were raised to believe this could only happen if we were to be transformed into a tube of mechanically separated pork, corn syrup, and sodium lactate. Alas, we are ensconced not in sausage casing, but rather our own rotting flesh sacks, to be consumed not by those who desire us, but rather the insects and animals who will one day raid our our corpses. We blame you, Oscar Mayer.

That’s not to say, however, that we wouldn’t love to cruise around in one of your signature Wienermobiles, passing out mustard-slathered dogs when not bumping into marquees and traffic signals. If one cannot become a weiner, one stands to reason, they can at least spread its gospel—there’s a reason people love dressing up as hot dogs.

This week, the dreams of many came true when not one, but two Wienermobiles in Calgary went up for sale. “The company in charge of operating these vehicles has gone bankrupt,” reads the listing. “Parent company of oscer mayer canada [sic] has commissioned us to sell these wienermobile [sic].”

“Once in a life time buy [sic],” declares the listing, and, buddy, you ain’t kidding. In addition to a brown, oblong sausage on the back of your vehicle, the cars come with air conditioning, Bluetooth capabilities, a navigation system, and, thank god, a parking assistant to help manage this thing’s bulbous rear.

We can’t imagine these things will last for long so if you’re interested (and have $12,000 laying around) call Matt at the listed number and “ask about the big wiener for sale” (don’t make it dirty!). Also, if you’re curious about the giant peanut car that’s also in the listing’s photo, Matt would like you to know that “NO THE PEANUT IS NOT FOR SALE ! STOP ASKING.”

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