The Grammys were distributed last night in a cavernous thunderdome that could easily seat half the population of Belgium—although I'm sure half the population of Belgium has better things to do than go to the Grammys. Justin Beiber brought his best swagger. Ryan Seacrest was allowed on stage. All of Taylor Swift's feelings were in attendance. The omnipresent Black Eyed Peas were somehow even more omnipresent. In short: it was only remotely tolerable on mute.
Here are some superlatives:
Biggest (Unheeded) Cry For Attention: Pink
Instead of performing an aerial water ballet, Pink should have just hired a skywriter to streak the words, "NOTICE ME!!" in giant letters over the auditorium. It would have been just as effective, and she wouldn't have had to slink off stage in a soaking wet spangly body stocking like some Cirque du Soleil acrobat doing the walk of shame after a wild night at Sea World. Poor Pink. She can literally be soaking wet, naked except for ribbons, and hanging from the ceiling of the auditorium, and all the Grammys want is a modern-day, Pillsbury country biscuit Rapunzel singing about how awful the cheer captain at her high school was.
Best Statement Outfit: Lady Gaga
So what if her statement is, "I am rhythmic gymnastics. In winter." At least it's clearly stated.
Beigest Beige: Katy Perry
I know what you're thinking, "Well, someone had to wear bedazzled Silly Putty." But, in fact, no one ever has to wear that—Unless they're impersonating a festive Jay Leno, and even in that case they only have to wear it on their chin.
Most Annoying Way To Find Out How "Ke$ha" Pronounces Her Name: This Collision Of Horrors
Oh, so the dollar sign is silent. And you have to say it as if you could fall asleep at any moment. Thank you, Grammy's, for having Justin Beiber and Kessa announce The Choose Your Bon Jovi Adventure game just so we could all learn this important lesson.
Most Outstanding Hyperbole: Ryan Seacrest introducing Taylor Swift.
Never forget the Seacrest Rule: If Ryan Seacrest says it's phenomenal, it sucks. Incidentally, the Taylor Swift Rule is: Everything can be a fairy tale if you say it is.
Worst R. Kelly Impression: Jamie Foxx
Still, Jamie Foxx did autotune himself out of existence during his performance, so the night wasn't a total loss.