Hannibal’s back, and there's blood everywhere

By Emily St. James | February 28, 2014 | 6:00am

TV Features TV

Hannibal’s back, and there's blood everywhere

Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Friday, February 28, and Saturday, March 1. All times are Eastern.

TOP PICK
Hannibal (NBC, 10 p.m., Friday): Remember at this time last year, when you were all, “Geez. Why is NBC making a series about Hannibal Lecter?!” And then we were all, “It’s from Bryan Fuller! It could be pretty good!” And you dismissed us haughtily? Well, look who was right. You should at least apologize before sitting down to watch season two, which begins in highly awesome fashion. Todd VanDerWerff has the pregame review, and then Molly Eichel will have her customary postgame wrap-up. Whatever you do, be sure to try the meal Dr. Lecter has prepared. It’s to die for! HA HA HA HA HA H—*What’s On Tonight is stabbed in the midsection and must complete the rest of this while slowly dying. It’s up to you to crack the case of which TV Club contributor stabbed everybody’s favorite feature that reminds you of things you already know!*

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ALSO NOTED
Enlisted (Fox, 9 p.m., Friday): America’s favorite—okay, only—military sitcom comes back after a short Olympics-inspired hiatus. But it’s lost its Bones lead-in and is crossing its fingers for things to go its way. Les Chappell would like you to watch, because he’d love to see more of this show and less of our blood.

Grimm (NBC, 9 p.m., Friday): Honestly, we don’t know what’s going on on this show anymore, but we know we’ve liked it in the past, and we know that it does well enough in the ratings that we’re hoping some of that spills over to Hannibal. Kevin McFarland doesn’t like the look of our stab wound.

Saturday Night Live (NBC, 11:30 p.m., Saturday): With David Sims’ departure for a “new job,” grumble grumble, the task of telling you exactly what to think about every episode of SNL now falls to Dennis Perkins, who has been preparing for this job his whole life and is creeped out by our mottled skin.

REGULAR COVERAGE
Raising Hope (Fox, 9:30 p.m., Friday)
Helix (Syfy, 10 p.m., Friday)
Black Sails (Starz, 9 p.m., Saturday)

TV CLUB CLASSIC
The X-Files (Saturday, 1 p.m.): Honestly, if we’re going to suspect anyone of killing What’s On Tonight—and/or kidnapping Scully’s baby in this week’s X-Files two-parter—it’s that Todd VanDerWerff. He’s been trying to kill us off for years! “It’s too much work,” he whines, while watching TV for a living.

ELSEWHERE IN TV CLUB
Were you skeptical about the return of Heroes as a limited series? Well, our TV Club editorial staff was, too, so they took to the NBC archives to find nine series they’d rather see resurrected. Enlightening!

HAVE YOU GUESSED THE KILLER YET?
If you haven’t, you’ve only got a little while to figure it out before the killer gets you. Now, an obligatory break for some spooooooooky music from our favorite episode of Scooby Doo.

WHAT ELSE IS ON
Last Man Standing/The Neighbors/Shark Tank (ABC, 8 p.m., Friday): This is one of TV Club’s favorite lineups that we just don’t write about weekly, because you guys lack interest in Neighbors, and we don’t know what we’d say about Shark Tank on a weekly basis. Maybe Mark Cuban is the killer?!

Hawaii Five-0 (CBS, 9 p.m., Friday): A corpse is discovered inside a building’s walls, which suggests somebody was paying attention when their American literature course got to “The Cask Of Amontillado,” or they just watched the Miami Vice episode inspired by it.

Inside Job/Save Our Business (TNT, 9 p.m. Friday): Sonia Saraiya took a look at these two new reality shows, along with their TNT reality show cousin, Private Lives Of Nashville Wives. We also saw her near the knife rack about an hour ago, lookin’ really shifty.

Game Of Stones (Discovery, 10 p.m., Friday): Finally, a reality show about rocks and the rock tumblers that tumble them! Did rocks kill What’s On Tonight? We doubt it, but if they did, we have a whole mess of other problems on our hands.

Cops (Spike, 8 p.m., Saturday): Just like you guys to show up when our corpse is lying, pale and rigid, on the floor, surrounded by a pool of our own ink-stained blood! You couldn’t have shown up in the ALSO NOTED section? Or for God’s sake ELSEWHERE ON TV CLUB? We get you’re on Spike now, but c’mon.

Surprise, It’s A Puppy (Animal Planet, 9 p.m., Saturday): This is so not what we need right now, Animal Planet. Especially when… great. The puppy is gnawing at our entrails. Thanks for everything, guys. Really. We mean it.

Casablanca (TCM, 8 p.m., Friday): You’ve probably never heard of this one, but take it from your ol’ buddy, What’s On Tonight: It’s a heckuva movie! With Humphrey Bogart and Ingrid Bergman as star-crossed lovers and a buncha other great actors to boot.

The Motorcycle Diaries (Flix, 8 p.m., Friday): This movie is one of those movies we saw the one time, really liked, then promptly forgot. It’s about a young Che Guevara going on a motorcycle trip and having his political consciousness awakened. And if you guessed young Che Guevara killed us, you’re not far off.

Traffic (Sundance, 9 p.m., Saturday): Little Stevie Soderbergh doesn’t know who killed What’s On Tonight, but he knows he wants to write a Twitter novella about the solving of the case. As he writes it, he will smile grimly and clutch the Oscar he won for directing this.

NBA Basketball: Warriors at Knicks (ESPN, 8 p.m., Friday): Guess what, America? Two basketball teams in California are really fun to watch this year. One of them is the Warriors, and the other is the Clippers. But you wouldn’t know it from Laker fans, who waste valuable sports talk radio time weeping openly.

NHL Hockey: Blackhawks at Penguins (NBC, 8 p.m., Saturday): Sidney Crosby led his teammates into battle on the snowy plains of Soldier Field, but before he could do that, he had to indulge in a little hobby of his. You see, Sidney Crosby was an amateur crime-fighter, and he had cracked the case.

THE SOLUTION
Who Killed What’s On Tonight (Every network, all times, all days, all realities): “Encyclopedia” Sidney Crosby stroked his chin thoughtfully. (Everybody called Sidney “Encyclopedia” because he claimed to have read the entire encyclopedia, front to back, seven times.) “You see,” he said, “the solution was obvious from the first.” Everyone gasped. “It was… Dr. Hannibal Lecter!” Hannibal smiled, a slight, coquettish smile, extending his hands for the handcuffs. “I did it?” Hannibal said, that slight accent coloring his voice. “Then arrest me, ‘Encyclopedia’ Crosby.” Yet no matter how much “Encyclopedia” Crosby protested, the others would not believe Hannibal Lecter capable of such a crime, even though it had occurred within his own capsule. Instead, they arrested the second-most-likely suspect: the puppy, who was covered in blood. Justice was served yet again, thanks to “Encyclopedia” Sidney Crosby!

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT
Vikings (Thursday): Jeezum crow, you guys! Vikings is back, and Dennis Perkins is all ready to talk about shieldmaidens and brutal battles and the duplicitous king of England with you for the next several weeks. But why, oh why, did they move this show to Thursdays? Way to pull an ABC, History Channel.