Happy Fourth of July! We're exercising our constitutionally guaranteed right to not show up to work

Our nation was founded on a set of principles we all hold dear, chief among them the notion that we can do whatever we want, and others can’t say jack shit about it (—Patrick Henry). And as the day commemorating that founding arrives—and as we are nothing if not filled with patriotic fervor and red-white-and-blue liquors, depending on the hour—we will now exercise our constitutionally protected right to just knock off work for a couple days, to run about indulging and congratulating ourselves. Because this is America, and this is what our Founding Fathers intended when they envisioned it, lo those many years ago: Men boldly declaring their independence, by rapping their fingers against a strange, glowing witches' box.