How To Be Modern-Day Prop Comics

(Picture via Just Jared)

1. First things first: Gain minor fame by being the villain on The Hills. This is much, much easier than it sounds. All you have to do is befriend someone on The Hills and then act like a jerk. Since nothing ever happens on The Hills but aerial shots of Los Angeles, and setups for stories that aren't even stories ("So what happened last night?" "Oh we went to Le Deux and that guy was there." "Was it weird?" "A little." [insert Whitney reaction shot, then aerial view of Hollywood]) your jerkiness will become a major plotline, stretched somehow over three seasons from the initial point of jerkiness.

2. Congrats: you are now at least as famous as Le Deux, the nightmare club where The Hills is often filmed. Next, call the paparazzi and tell them that you're on The Hills, you're about to go walking along a scenic pier with your girlfriend, and that you may be carrying something very special, wink wink. If they ask, "What?" Just quickly say, "A gun." And hang up.

3. Pick a something that's on everyone's mind, and bring props related to that something to your paparazzi photo shoot. If it's close to Valentine's Day, bring champagne, empty gestures, and fake love. If it's near Easter, bring easter baskets, phony smiles, and a rented child. And if it's near that presidential election people won't shut up about, bring your dumbest political t-shirts and as many pro-America indicators (a rifle, a six-pack of Bud, cut-offs) as you can carry.

4. Remember a prop comic can never have too many props. Would Carrot Top stop with one zany hat, or punny doll? No, he wouldn't. He would have trunk after trunk full of those things. So while you're in your Palin t-shirt, drinking a beer, and holding a rifle as your girlfriend pretends your hair is touchable, why not squint-read a book about profiting from a monetary crisis? The economy is so hot right now! You are standing so hard on the cutting edge of funny you might get get sliced in half!

5. Whatever you do, don't try and look natural. Would Gallagher worry about looking natural while smashing a pie tin full of jello and shaving cream? No, he wouldn't. You're not going for realism. You're going for attention, and hilarious prop-induced laughs.

Most aspiring modern-day prop comics would only attempt 2 or 3 of these guidelines, but then again most modern-day prop comics aren't Spencer and Heidi. They truly are the best at being the worst. Next week, they should take a chainsaw and a wedding cake with two groom figurines on top to the beach and saw it in half, while wearing matching "Yes On Prop 8" t-shirts–after telling the paparazzi where to meet them, of course.

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