Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Jack Nicholson is 69 years old.

Illustration for article titled Jack Nicholson-isms
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After reading the

profile of him in last week's Rolling Stone, it became abundantly clear that 69 years is more than enough time to develop a charming, nuanced, and somewhat disturbing language that is all your own. So, just in case you run into Nicholson at one of his numerous forthcoming dildo signings, here's a handy guide to communicating with "the great seducer." Jack Nicholson-isms: —"The full catastrophe"= Condom-free sexual intercourse —"The Death Fuck" = The AIDS crisis —"A bulging railer" = A powerful erection —"A glass of orange juice, a cup of coffee, a container of diet chocolate pudding" = Breakfast —"This tree I see out the window in front of my toilet" = The presence of the late Marlon Brando (Seriously) —"Crepe" = Sagging, old-lady skin (Nicholson is somewhat afraid of this) —"Mom sitting on the toilet, scared 'Gee, you know when you were little,' or whatever that is" = Evidently what Nicholson thinks about when he considers sleeping with an older woman, i.e. another reason to be somewhat afraid —"The dent" = The sunken-in spot of Nicholson's matress where he sleeps —"My ass-scratching hours" = Between 2 and 4 a.m. most nights —"Wanker" = What Nicholson can't feel when he wears a condom I hope that helps.

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