Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Jack Nicholson-isms

Jack Nicholson is 69 years old.

After reading the

profile of him in last week's Rolling Stone, it became abundantly clear that 69 years is more than enough time to develop a charming, nuanced, and somewhat disturbing language that is all your own. So, just in case you run into Nicholson at one of his numerous forthcoming dildo signings, here's a handy guide to communicating with "the great seducer." Jack Nicholson-isms: —"The full catastrophe"= Condom-free sexual intercourse —"The Death Fuck" = The AIDS crisis —"A bulging railer" = A powerful erection —"A glass of orange juice, a cup of coffee, a container of diet chocolate pudding" = Breakfast —"This tree I see out the window in front of my toilet" = The presence of the late Marlon Brando (Seriously) —"Crepe" = Sagging, old-lady skin (Nicholson is somewhat afraid of this) —"Mom sitting on the toilet, scared 'Gee, you know when you were little,' or whatever that is" = Evidently what Nicholson thinks about when he considers sleeping with an older woman, i.e. another reason to be somewhat afraid —"The dent" = The sunken-in spot of Nicholson's matress where he sleeps —"My ass-scratching hours" = Between 2 and 4 a.m. most nights —"Wanker" = What Nicholson can't feel when he wears a condom I hope that helps.

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