There’s always that one guy who, no matter what you express interest in, immediately butts in to say, “Yeah, well, I liked [insert band/movie/seedy bar/aluminum-free deodorant name here] before it was cool.” You might not think a time like (gestures wildly) this would offer such an opportunity for the smug hipsters of the world, and you would be wrong because Jared Leto has emerged, quite literally, as That Guy. And maybe we shouldn’t be surprised—have you looked at Jared Leto, like, ever? He is the actual living embodiment of That Guy. While the rest of us adjust to this new social-distancing lifestyle, Leto was already self-isolating before most of us even knew it was a thing. In a new post on Instagram, Leto reveals that just 12 days ago he disappeared into the desert for a “silent meditation,” where he was “totally isolated” without a phone or any means of communication with the rest of society. And then:
Just as Leto’s Nu Jesus-like visage emerged from the desert, so must he return. Like some millennial groundhog, the prophecy (written here, just now) tells us that if this self-made messiah pops his head out of his own butthole and notices literally anything other than himself, we are guaranteed six more weeks of coronavirus. Peace be with you.