Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Jersey Shore: "Where's The Beach?"

Image for article titled Jersey Shore: "Where's The Beach?"

Wow, JWoww, how I love you. Seriously. Let me count the ways.

First, I will say that I don’t mean in the “let’s get drunk and make out at Karma” way, though she is a total piece. Everyone’s right. Her boobs really do look great in that shirt. She’s a vision in non-smiling friendship. Radiant in her non-Sammi-osity.

Seriously, though, I love that she’s the anti-Sammi. A hot gorilla juicehead—with manners!—hits on her at the bar, and she plays it cool, because technically, she’s still with Tom, even if things are on the rocks. And when she finds out that maybe he was less than honest with her and he might have his own lady back home, she’s dunzo, no matter how much she likes his burly, tattooed arms. And then she goes and pees behind the upstairs bar and uses the drink gun to “wash it.” Be still my heart.

And speaking of Sammi, when she apologizes to Snooks, and Snooks eats the whole thing up? And then Sammi says it’s a testament to how good a person Snooks is? And then JWoww responds to Sammi’s very presence in the house with a burp and a declaration that she will never, ever forgive her? Good decision, JWoww. That Sammi’s a weak-willed slug. She’d sell you out for a loaf of bread if some dude told her he liked that particular brand.

And, really, JWoww knows from friendship, because when people are good to her, she’s loyal to the end. Sure, she’ll stand idly by and watch Snooki eat a raw potato like an apple, call Vinny’s penis "Seabiscuit," and then drink Hawaiian Punch from a banged-up two-liter, but when push comes to shove and Snooki’s really in the shit, Jenni’s there for her. She lets Nicole sit in their in-room mini-fridge when she somehow burns her ass by using too much tanning lotion. She doesn’t judge when she finds Snooki in the bar, letting sketchy old dudes do body shots off her shoulders and, instead, tries to get her home. She doesn’t want to see her friend arrested, and even though it was inevitable and we all knew from TMZ that Snooki was, in fact, arrested this past July on the beach in Seaside, it almost seemed for a second there like she wasn’t going to get pinched, purely on the strength of Jenni’s willpower alone. But then when Snooki did get arrested, Jenni cried because she tried to protect her, but then sucked it up and called Nicole’s dad, before he could read about it on the Internet. That’s a friend, people—A friend that, it’s worth noting, even has her very own “Free Snooki” t-shirt made for the next episode. Gosh, if only there were a T-shirt shop where I could get my very own one of those made…

Stray observations:

  • This episode’s “we made this town, bitch” evidence: The big bodyguard who broke up the JWoww/Sammi fight and appeared in the “last time on Jersey Shore” recap; the 95,000 people lined up outside the Shore Store when the kids were coming out of work; the 195,000 people lined up on the boardwalk watching Snooki getting arrested; strangers constantly offering to buy them shots; the fact that Snooki can go to work in a club dress, slippers, and blanket, and then try to bong beers in the back room, and still keep her job (“This isn’t law school. It’s a t-shirt shop.”); Ronny selling a “Don’t fall in love at the Jersey Shore” hoodie to a girl at the Shore Store.
  • Yes, Pauly. I’m sure you have no idea why your “stalker” Danielle would throw a drink on you in the club. It can’t be because you badmouthed her on a hugely popular national television show that everyone she knows watches. That’s probably not the reason she shoved the camera out of her face, either.
  • How do these girls keep their dresses from riding up? Seriously. I’m dying to know.
  • Ugh, Sammi and her horrible crying face and Ronny’s creepy “look at me” comments. If even the Situation has an opinion on how you need to get some more self-respect, then it’s time to just get out of that relationship. But, of course, we all know that.
  • I like how Mike’s idea of foreplay is putting a girl in his clothes, washing their faces together, and then making food. Paula must be special, if she’s getting a hot dog and not just an egg sandwich.
  • Honestly, I really liked tonight’s episode, if that wasn’t clear already. It really brought the Jerz laughs. Pauly doesn’t know what someone should get on their t-shirt because he’s a DJ! Vinny got it in! Snooki wants to be a sex therapist! Ronny’s two laughs! Even Snooks darting across the beach, whether it was convoluted or not, was pretty damn hilarious. Someone please make a .gif of that set to some sort of Yakety Sax fist pump remix.
  • Thursday! Deena makes out with Ronny’s doppelganger! Exclamation points!