Monster.
Photo: Randy Holmes (Getty Images)

Nobody likes a show-off; partly because they’re annoying on their own merits, but mostly because they remind the rest of us how merely human we are in the face of their inescapable greatness. Hence a new essay in The Washington Post this week, in which comedy writer Molly McNearney—who’s married to ABC late night host Jimmy Kimmel—reveals how her husband has been terrorizing her for years with his show-offy breakfast-making skills.

McNearney’s specific bête noire is Kimmel’s pancakes, which apparently involve squeeze-bottles full of food coloring, food pens, and a whole lot of breakfast-based copyright infringement:

Then he got aggressive. He made Dory. She was perfect. Next, a full-color Thomas the Tank Engine. He made Nemo and a Spider-Man who, I swear, rolled his eyes at me. He started mixing his batter before bed. He took requests and delighted our daughter, squirting Snoopy, Charlie Brown and even Lightning McQueen the morning after he hosted the Oscars. All realistic, totally edible portrayals. All done by hand over a hot griddle before Kathie Lee and Hoda had chugged their first quart of chardonnay.

I told you. He’s annoying.

Lest this all come off as a “my husband is sooooo great” humblebrag, McNearney does seem legitimately irritated by Kimmel’s relentless drive for artistic carboyhydrates, especially when they draw an unwanted comparison to her own skills in the kitchen. The whole essay is both affectionate and funny—unsurprising, given McNearney’s day job as the head writer on the consistently funny Live!. But it’s also a nice little reminder that even the kindest acts can still be pretty fucking annoying when you have to live with (and up) to them every single day.

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