Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

John Mayer Is A "Great" Guy

From the NY Daily News:

You wouldn't expect Jennifer Aniston to be giddy like a schoolgirl these days… But the former "Friend" has been glowing of late, pals of the actress tell us.

"She's just so happy and giggly. It is completely out of character," said one spy.

The reason can't just be that she is dating John Mayer. No one is that happy with Jessica Simpson's sloppy seconds. What we hear is there is a certain feature of John that leaves Jen so pleased. The crooner's ex-paramours reveal he is hell to get over, not because he's a great guy, but because he's a "great" guy, if you know what we mean.


Hmm. A "certain feature" of John Mayer's that leaves America's Sourpuss™ Jennifer Aniston "so pleased" that she's "giddy," "giggly," and "glowing"? I'm going to write down "sense of humor coupled with extensive knowledge of exfoliants" in this particular version of tabloid Mad-Libs.

In other words: No. I have no idea what you mean. Why don't you stop winking and just say it? John Mayer is a "great" guy, "if you know what we mean"? Gross, Daily News. Here are a few other equally subtle ways of saying that:

—When John Mayer goes sailing, it is all about the size of his ship…if you catch my drift. (FYI: My drift is that John Mayer's penis is above-average in length.)

—Let's just say that if John Mayer owned a snake, it would be really large, have one eye, and be housed in his pants.

——John Mayer is a big philanthropist. And by "big" I mean "big" and by "philanthropist" I mean "penis-owner."

—Jennifer Aniston loves John Mayer's giant "Heart." "Heart" being Mayer's pet name for his schlong.

—John Mayer is the next James Woods, but only in terms of rumors about his massive manhood.

—John Mayer's body is a wonderland, a gigantic wonderland, located only in his groin area.

And then of course there's the simple approach:

—We hear from John Mayer that John Mayer has a big one.