Kid Rock doesn’t appreciate appearing in headlines near the words “glass dildo”
As scholars of jurisprudence will one day note, it was recently entered into the legal record that one Mr. Robert Ritchie, stage name Kid Rock, is believed to be in possession of a certain glass dildo, a translucent sex toy of particular importance to an ongoing harassment case involving Insane Clown Posse. Through a subpoena, Mr. Rock was notified that he must present this glass dildo—which was allegedly given to him as a gift by the suit’s defendant, “Dirty Dan” Diamond—so that it may be entered into evidence in the case being brought by publicist Andrea Pelligrini against Diamond and his former employers, a pair of rapping clowns, who stand accused of creating a work environment with a permissive attitude toward dildo gifting. Whatever private claim Kid Rock may have over his glass dildo, this subpoena states, must be temporarily set aside for the sake of justice.
But as it turns out, Kid Rock doesn’t appreciate his name being used in conjunction with the words “glass dildo” in a public setting. And so, in order to protect his reputation—and ensure that no one mentions his name alongside any glass dildos again—he’s published two separate letters to the attorneys involved on his official website, under the title “All Parties Involved in This ICP Glass Dildo Case Can Shove One Up Their Ass: Kid Rock Responds.”
Dear Jim Rasor and Jon Marko,
I’m told that you have issued a subpoena for a “glass dildo” that was supposedly given to me. No idea what you’re talking about, and I definitely don’t have it. I’ve never heard of, seen, or met any people involved in this case. But I’m pretty sure you already know that. What I do know is that you’ve been dragging my name around in the media to gain attention for your sad ass excuse for a law firm. I don’t care what you do when you finally catch up to the ambulances you chase, but I do care when you bring my name into it for no reason at all.
Let me ask you this. Say in a lawsuit that another crappy firm was handling, your names were brought up for no reason. You wake up one morning, excited for a new day of exploiting the legal system and people dumb enough to look at your website (nice pictures btw, did you study how to look like douchebags in college?), and when you open the newspaper there’s a report from someone you’ve never heard of talking about how Jon Marko and Jim Rasor got caught molesting animals at a petting zoo while high on bath salts. Now imagine you weren’t the scumbags you are, but a citizen who has raised millions of dollars for his hometown, spent hours helping to promote the arts, had helped wounded veterans returning from combat. Say you were people who aren’t a blight on our planet – wouldn’t you be pissed off that your name, for days on end, was being mentioned in the press when EVERYONE involved knew you weren’t involved in any way? Welcome to my side of this story.