May 15, 2013

I have a mentally disabled cousin who I haven’t figured out how to help. He’s lived for more than 40 years in the same nursing home in a small, conservative town. His mental age is about 8, there are other mental-illness issues, and he has some physical problems. He is now in his late 60s. He has always enjoyed dressing up as a woman, but given that he’s in a Christian nursing home, he must keep it fairly secret. He doesn’t want to move from his home of so many years. He periodically calls me to tell me about a dress he’s purchased or his monthly therapy sessions where he’s permitted to dress up, and I’m uncomfortable with the sexual vibe of the conversations. I would like him to have a sexual outlet, but one that doesn’t involve me. Any ideas?
She Knows It’s Really Tough

Nope.

And staging some sort of intervention now—well, the effort seems about four decades late. Even if you could find a new living situation for your cousin, SKIRT, your cousin doesn’t want to move. He seems to like where he lives, he gets to buy himself dresses, and he gets to dress up once in a while. He’d probably be happier if he didn’t have to keep his dresses secret, but things could be much, much worse.

Nope.

What you need, PLUG, is a bigger butt plug. The circumference of the widest part of the butt plug (the part that goes in his ass) needs to be four or five times greater than the circumference of the narrow part of the butt plug (the part his sphincters grip). If the widest part of your butt plug isn’t much wider than the narrow part, that butt plug will fly out of your boyfriend’s ass every time. Bigger butt plugs look intimidating—especially for straight boys—but the extra physical and emotional effort required to get a bigger butt plug in a straight boy’s ass… well, that shit pays off in the end.

If your son wants old-fashioned, pre-Internet porn—do they still publish Playboy?—he can acquire it in the old-fashioned, pre-Internet manner: He can get his ass to a bodega or a convenience store or a truck stop and steal some porn mags. My brothers and I learned important life lessons shoplifting porn when we were your son’s age: to be watchful, to seize opportunities, and to run like hell.

I can’t believe there are still queers out there hatin’ on drunk straight girls (DSGs) who make out with other DSGs to attract the attention of drunk straight boys (DSBs). Same-sex marriage is making significant gains—hurray for Rhode Island, Delaware, Minnesota, Uruguay, France, and New Zealand—but it remains illegal in 38 states, Congress has yet to pass the Employment Non-Discrimination Act, the HIV-infection rate among young gay and bi men is up, and trans people who just want to use the toilet are being attacked in schools and state legislatures across the country. (Google “rape” and “public restroom,” and tons of stories come up—but they’re all about straight men attacking women. Want to make public restrooms safer? Ban straight men from using them.) The queer community has 99 problems—at least—but DSGs making out with DSGs ain’t one.

Here’s what you need to tell your boyfriend: “Vaginal intercourse without consent is rape, but vaginal intercourse with consent is sex. You can wrap your head around that, right? So you should be able to wrap your head around this: Spanking someone without consent is assault, but spanking someone with consent is sexy. And you’re going to spank me right now, with my consent, and it’s going to be hot.”

What you’ve described sounds like a not-nearly-subtle-enough, semipublic Dom/sub muscle worship scene. But I could be wrong. So if you have to know for sure what’s up, MEATGIF, you’ll have ask the bigger dude. If it turns out these dudes are doing some sort of public Dom/sub scene, and the point is to humiliate the scrawnier dude, the bigger dude will be only too delighted to tell you about it.