Having recently adopted the now-familiar career comeback tactic of admitting that you suck, Michael Bolton has signed on to star in an ABC pilot as a loosely fictionalized version of himself, Michael Bolton, who sucks. Bolton will play a singer named Michael Bolton who represents everything soulless about music but also seems like he can laugh at himself, as seen in his recent guest turns in The Lonely Island's "Captain Jack Sparrow" and on Two And Half Men, and mornings in which Michael Bolton wakes up, looks himself in the mirror, and says, "You've got this, Michael. You're still Michael Fucking Bolton. You can't hear them laugh at you if you're laughing loudest," then does a little fist pump.