Missing man turns up dead inside a stegosaurus statue, obviously

By Andrew Paul  |  May 25, 2021 | 7:30pm
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Missing man turns up dead inside a stegosaurus statue, obviously
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If Mare of Easttown has taught us anything, it’s that you gotta examine a murder from every conceivable angle, no matter how painful or Philly accent-obscured, to find the true culprit. That’s why we’re cracking open a fresh bottle of Rolling Rock and taking a closer look at our latest D.B. mystery in a case that can’t be as simple as the locals are claiming.

As multiple outlets report, a missing man in Barcelona was discovered dead within a large, papier-mâché Stegosaurus statue outside a city suburb’s closed-down movie theater on Sunday. Spanish authorities exhumed the corpse after multiple individuals believed they could see a human leg through a crack in the sculpture while also smelling a “foul odor” coming from the dino replica.

Despite what one might initially think, authorities somehow don’t suspect any foul play. Instead, officials theorize that the man got stuck within the cinema advertising prop after attempting to retrieve his cellphone that fell inside it—you know, as one does.

…Makes sense to us, and obviously there’s no need to investigate this tragedy any further.

EXCEPT. Why did it take so long to remove the dinosaur from outside the abandoned movie theater in the first place? How did no one hear the guy presumably yell something like, “You guys are not gonna believe this, but I’m stuck inside the leg of this giant Stegosaurus model while trying to retrieve my Google Pixel, and am rapidly running out of oxygen?” Why is our ex-husband so quick to remarry?

You all can go ahead and commence mourning this odd, senseless tragedy. Meanwhile, we won’t rest until we get the truth, damnit.

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