Exultations rang out across the land this afternoon, as the news spread far and wide: Martin Shkreli, the smirking “Pharma Bro” who single-handedly ruined the United States Of America through his toxic mixture of arrogance, attention-seeking would-be supervillain antics, and a series of legitimately monstrous business decisions, has finally been sentenced to jail. Take the trackers off your babies and the locks off your doors, folks; we got the Bad Man, and now everything’s going to be okay.
Shkreli was handed a seven-year prison sentence today in a Brooklyn federal court, not for ruthlessly jacking up the price on a drug that helps AIDS patients, or for disrespecting the Wu-Tang clan, but for fraud related to his role as a hedge fund manager. (He was convicted back in August of 2017.) In sharp contrast to his typical bluster—or the reports that he’s gotten “buff” in prison, where he’s supposedly become a minor celebrity on par with the minor celebrity he already, bafflingly, was—Shkreli apparently broke down crying while the sentencing was going on. Tape of Shkreli weeping has yet to surface, unfortunately, presumably because the Department Of Energy has seized it as part of plans to build an electric plant powered entirely by the nation’s collective schadenfreude at the thought of this guy’s tears.
Unsurprisingly, the news of Shkreli’s sentence briefly transformed the internet into an all-star dunks contest today, as various online pundits raced to say their own farewell to this treasured symbol of rich white guy entitlement: