Nothing can save you from the excruciating awkwardness of this local news broadcast

By Gabe Worgaftik  |  June 5, 2018 | 8:03pm
Aux Features Local News

“You know usually when you’re talking about inflation, you guys, you probably notice, you know, is that a good thing or … not a good thing?”

This is how local San Diego news station KUSI reporter and meteorologist Dave Scott begins his genuinely painful live report from something that is either called “World Of Inflatables,” “Inflatable Run,” or maybe “Adrenaline Rush: The Next Generation.”

Scott is met with a silence from the anchors back in the studio that is somewhere between five seconds and eight years long.

“I’m sorry Dave, can you repeat the question?” someone finally replies.

It is the closest thing local news has produced to the look into hell from Event Horizon, and it is unbearably far from being over.

“Well let me tell you that you’re right about if you say good, you’re right, because this is the world of inflatables,” Scott informs us. Indeed, this is The World Of Inflatables: you were born here, you will die here, and you will never understand why.

After a round of applause for undetermined reasons, it is now time to ask the assembled volunteers what kind of fun they expect to have today. The kinds of expected fun are, in order, “Um, lots of fun,” “Helping?” and “I didn’t hear the question, I’m sorry.”

For reasons best left unexplored, Scott then forces the assembled volunteers to chant, “Abracadabra, one, two, three.” The good news: you are now one minute and 57 seconds closer to death. The bad news: you have not yet met Mr. Wacky.

You will now meet Mr. Wacky.

“Whoa, I’m Mr. Wacky,” Mr. Wacky says, erupting from the depths of hell. “How’s everybody doing? My name’s Mr. Wacky, welcome to the Inflatable Run.”

Mr. Wacky, prince of lies, then explains that whatever this is, it’s like a 5K, but longer than a 5K.

“Now does that mean everyone becomes an inflatable today?” Scott asks, no closer to understanding what an inflatable is.

“Do you guys want to be inflatables?” Mr. Wacky replies.

Congratulations to all of us on now being inflatables.

 
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