One Million Moms doesn’t want you worshipping Black Jesus, like those hoods in the Catholic League

Seeing as you can’t seem to pick up a phone and let them know, one million times, that you’re okay and not having premarital sex with pigs or walruses, One Million Moms has been forced to post you another press release on the Internet you’re always looking at (even though you still haven’t responded to their Facebook poke). And while they accept that you’re your own person with your own fear-based publicity to generate, and they’ve accepted that they can’t stop you from indulging in youth fads like fruit candy and car insurance, their hope is that you’re at least doing these things with Jesus. The right kind of Jesus, that is—not those Jesuses who live in, you know, the urban areas and enjoy that rap music. You know what they’re talking about. Don’t make One Million Moms say it. The… Black Jesus. Okay?… They’re not whispering!

Look, One Million Moms isn’t passing any race-based judgments here; you’ll find one million VHS copies of Sister Act that attest to their seeing that sort of thing as very spirited. It’s just that Adult Swim’s Black Jesus portrays Jesus as a “black guy living in the hood,” dwelling among the poor and downtrodden in a way they certainly don’t remember Jesus doing in the Bible. And the world this Jesus lives in is rife with violence, which serves to “completely misrepresent” the man who was lashed for days before being nailed to the cross they wear to honor him.

Furthermore, there is “gunfire”—which definitely has no place in any discussion of Christianity, unless it’s about how the Second Amendment was written by God—as well as “disgusting” foul language and the taking of the Lord’s name in vain. “This is blasphemy!” One Million Moms cry, that “makes a mockery of our Lord,” whose name must only be invoked for the holiest of purposes, such as making sure no one watches a late-night cable show.

“Christians must take a stand and not be silent… There is power in numbers!” concludes the statement from One Million Moms, whose actual numbers are around 67,000. Unfortunately, much as Jesus has been corrupted by his fraternizing with people in Compton, rather than with angry nationalists and prostitutes, One Million Moms’ own movement is already being debased by fringe “Christian” group the Catholic League.

Known for an incredibly libertine approach to not calling for the immediate flaying of artists, the Catholic League’s Bill Donahue has once again taken that lax, laidback approach to Black Jesus. In a statement, Donahue called the show a “mixed bag,” whose failings can nevertheless be forgiven in light of its striving for a greater good—you know, if that’s how you want to interpret Christianity:

We have long taken the position that portraying Jesus as black is fine with the Catholic League, and indeed we find it silly that anyone would object. The Jesus character in this show is a mixed bag: He is irreverent, and can be downright crude, but he also has many redeeming qualities.

The Jesus character parks illegally, curses, smokes pot, drinks, and hits on women. At one point he is depicted as the get-away driver for a drug deal gone wrong; he is eventually robbed and gets busted. But he is also forgiving, kind, respectful, and condemns violence. No one questions his divinity, and even an atheist detective who interviews him after his arrest appears to sense that there is more to this man than what first appears.

While Donahue asks, “Must we debase Jesus to make him real?” he also says the show’s mission of getting young people to take an interest in Jesus is “noble.” Indeed, overall Donahue seems perfectly okay with a chocolate Jesus, so long as he is not actually made out of chocolate.

Still, all One Million Moms can hope now is that you’re not so easily misled by “cool” guys like the Catholic League’s Bill Donahue. Oh sure, he seems like a real bad boy, with his evenhanded character appraisals and acknowledgment of context. But One Million Moms raised you better than that, and knows you will join them in their very serious campaign to have Cartoon Network drop the comedy show they don’t like.

Also, don’t watch that Payday commercial with the naked candy bar. It only “encourages exposing oneself.”