Last week, Oprah unveiled her annual list of her Favorite Things™, an assortment of gifts that are either ugly, useless, obscenely expensive, just plain dumb, or all four, that loyal Oprah-watchers can purchase from her website, or obtain simply by wishing hard enough (according to The Secret).
Of course, this list is no ordinary list. Its roots go very deep into the collective subconscious of both Oprah and her fans. In fact, much like Dark Side Of The Moon allegedly synchs up with The Wizard Of Oz, nearly everything on Oprah's Favorite Things™ list neatly matches up with the symptoms of clinical depression.
Take a look:
Symptom: Loss of interest in normal daily activities and a depressed mood.
Oprah's Favorite Thing: Terrible Ugg boots crocheted from pure sadness.
It's the perfect shoe for shuffling around your house as your mood decends like a deep, black cloud.
Symptom: Sleep disturbances.
Oprah's Favorite Thing: A wicker basket full of expensive cleaning products.
Make all that extra time you have thanks to chronic insomnia useful: clean the house obsessively!
Symptom: Impaired thinking or concentration.
Oprah's Favorite Thing: Large collection of colorful, but ultimately pointless soaps.
Can't decide which soap to buy? Get them all! Being overwhelmed has never seemed so charming!
Oprah's Favorite Thing: Weird electronic face scrubber.
Feeling restless? Scrub your face away! Maybe after a few hours of holding a vibrating brush to your face you'll discover you're not totally numb after all.
Symptom: Changes in weight.
Oprah's Favorite Thing(s): Assorted fancy cupcakes (not to mention the panini press, mixer, and various flavors of sorbet that are also on the list).
Eating your feelings has never been so delicious!
Symptom: Fatigue or slowing of body movements.
Oprah's Favorite Thing: High-tech refrigerator with a built-in HD TV and DVD player, because that's necessary.
Some depressed people can't make it from the kitchen, where they gorge to keep the numbness from settling in, to the living room, where they lie prostrate all day feeling worthless and waiting for Oprah to come on. Well, no more! With this combo fridge/TV, the gorging area and the exhaustion area are now the same place!
Symptom: Low self-esteem.
Oprah's Favorite Thing: O's Guide To Life book.
Since you feel like nothing, why not let someone who thinks she's everything tell you what to do!
Symptom: Less interest in sex.
Oprah's Favorite Thing: The most unattractive outfit in the world.
Let everyone know that you are no longer a sexual being by dressing like a modern-day eunuch.
Symptom: Thoughts of death.
Oprah's Favorite Thing: Josh Groban Christmas CD.
Is it possible to die from overexposure to blandness? Find out! Let Josh Groban's voice build a coffin around you made out of beloved Christmas carols.