Play the show?: 11 baffling TV-to-board-game adaptations

The Sons Of Anarchy board game tries its best to replicate the drug-dealin’, gun-totin’ drama of the series, but when the actual characters are replaced by little figures (known officially as “dudes”), the whole thing becomes more like a game of Risk than a biker-gang soap opera. The object is to control and exploit more turf than your rival gangs, each based on a gang from the show. You collect cash, “contraband,” and guns, the last of which is good for when you have to battle for turf—using dice, like real gangs do. But don’t call too much attention to your crew or your “heat total” will rise and alert the cops. It all seems a little tame and complicated for the average Sons fan, but don’t tell showrunner Kurt Sutter that, or he’ll throw a little social-media fit. [JM]

Welcome Back, Kotter yielded not one but two games, and while one was a sensible card game that John Travolta and his faux-high school pals could have played while sitting in the back of a bus, the other, The Up Your Nose With A Rubber Hose Game, sought to blend Go To The Head Of The Class’ desk-hopping madness with one of Kotter’s dumb catchphrases. Using wits, prowess, and cards featuring either Mr. Kotter or Assistant Principal Woodman, players attempt to reach the front desk in each row, thus gaining access to a different word, be it “up,” “your,” “nose,” or whatever. The first player to put those words together to make the phrase is the winner, earning a literal piece of rubber hose and, ideally, the opportunity to put it right up the loser’s nose. [ME]

Deadliest Catch, the TV show, is about professional fishermen struggling to catch crab in the Bering Sea, and that kind of hard, physical labor doesn’t seem like a natural fit for a sit-on-your-ass board game. The makers of Deadliest Catch Sea Adventure must not have thought so, however, as the game challenges players to drop pots, catch crab, and survive the sea’s perils, all from the comfort of their warm, dry living rooms. While a big catch in the game won’t result in the big money that the real deckhands earn, at least players (probably) aren’t risking life and limb flipping over cards at home. [ME]

Nothing says “board game” like a serial killer. But this is not a game for young children. According to the box, Dexter: The Board Game is for the 17-and-up crowd—the people who never tortured animals, but still have the potential to become serial killers. As Dexter, players travel through the sunny streets of Miami in search of a slippery suspect to kill. As any cold-blooded killer can tell you, you need to keep up appearances, which is why—to keep nosy neighbors and the like off your trail—you must complete Blood Splatter Reports to earn a living and avoid all suspicion. Once you leave the office and the suspect has been nabbed, you grab all your tools and mini garbage bags (which you earn throughout the game by rolling a die), and it’s time to head to the marina and dump the body. Good job! Not only have you won the game, but you’re one step closer to becoming a genuine murderous sociopath. “Dexter who?” you’ll say, as your opponents bleed out on the family room floor. [BJ]