You may now bid on a diamond ring made of ranch dressing, if that's the sort of thing you'd like to do
The ranchmongers at Hidden Valley are auctioning off the precious, filthy item on eBay
In 2017, some evil counselor in the throne room of Hidden Valley headquarters whispered a diabolical suggestion into the ear of the Ranch Kingdom’s monarch and the Keg Of Dressing was brought into existence. Half a decade has been spent planning how to escalate this company-wide descent into darkness, and now a solution has been found. It takes the form of a Ring Of Power so filled with dark magic that Tolkien could never have imagined it in his wildest dreams.
We present to you, Hidden Valley’s “Ranch Diamond” ring.
Currently being auctioned on eBay as a “limited edition item,” the Ranch Diamond ring is described by its dread creators as “the ultimate expression of true love—a first-of-its-kind man-made diamond created from the first name in ranch.”
A press release describes the occult arts used to summon the Ranch Diamond into existence. We’re told that it was called forth from the abyss by “a professional diamond maker in a lab by heating Hidden Valley Ranch Seasoning to 2,500 degrees, and then crushing the output beneath 400 tons of pressure, taking five months total to create.” The 2 carat stink gem “was then set in a 14K white gold band with ‘HVR LVR’ engraved on the inside.”