Savage Love Extra- June 4, 2008
Readers react to a recent column about several couples with pre-marriage problems:
First,
thank you Dan, for the column and podcast. You have helped me immeasurably. If
I could buy you drinks or chocolate or whatever, I would. And now some advice
from me for Bi Bi Bridie and Right Handed Man: WORK THIS SHIT OUT NOW.
My
fiancé and I had the signs of sexual incompatibilities before our engagement.
And more cropped up during our engagement. We both thought things would improve
and that we would relax and get better once the rings were on. Well, seven
years, tons of counseling, one son, and one divorce later, I know this is not
true. Things got worse, to the point of years of no sexual contact at all.
So,
from someone who has been in your shoes, BBB and RHM, I say this: Listen to
Dan! Talk about this now. Be
honest now. And I can't stress
this part enough: Be totally, fucking, brutally honest about what you
need/want/feel. Now is not
the time to tell the other person what you think they want to hear. It will be
difficult, but for God's sake, don't get married with this on the table and
unexamined. If you do, misery awaits; trust me.
And,
if that seems too scary, get a counselor and do it in front of them. Having a
support system in the room can help.
The
Voice Of Experience
I just read your response to Right Handed Man (jerks it a lot
instead of having sex with his fiancée) and wanted to chime in with my two
cents. While I agree with your advice (open communication is almost always the
correct action), I think you may have been a little harsh in your
psychoanalysis of RHM as an insecure bag of slop. I don't know the guy, maybe
he does have insecurity issues, probably does, but there is at least one other
possibility. I am recently divorced, and one of the issues the ex and I had was
this same thing: I masturbated more than we had sex, and it bothered her (and
me, I just didn't realize it at first). After talking about it with her, I
realized that I would rather masturbate than have sex with my beautiful wife
because SHE had such control issues when it came to sex that it felt like a
fucking performance review every time. There was a precise script that I was
not to deviate from, or else she would be unable to come—and not just
positions or specific foreplay, either.
As you might imagine, this kind of pressure and control made
sex unappealing compared to my oh-so-undemanding hand. The initial approach to
this issue by my ex was, "Why don't you want sex more often? I thought men
wanted sex all the time?" My defensive response to that approach sidetracked us
from understanding the true underlying issues (mine and hers) for some time.
Attacking RHM without allowing that he might not be 100 percent the problem
could easily be counterproductive.
Worked It Out