We take no pleasure in reporting the latest news from the European feral hog epidemic, but must bring it to your attention in the name of public safety: Shakira has been attacked by wild boars in Barcelona.
The vibrato enthusiast and advocate for truthful anatomy-shaking shared the tale of her dramatic encounter through an Instagram story (still available on YouTube) where she shows off a purse that’s been thoroughly snuffled to the point that it’s coated in dust and fraying at the seams. Dramatic music plays as Shakira splices still images of bag-thieving boars over this Blair Witch Porkject-style footage and narrates the encounter in Spanish.
The BBC translated some of what she said, letting us know that Shakira was walking through a park in Barcelona when “the animals attacked her before seizing her bag and retreating with it into the woods.”
“Look at how two wild boar, which attacked me in the park, have left my bag,” she says. “They were taking my bag to the woods with my mobile phone in it. They’ve destroyed everything.” (As we’ve previously noted, wild boars absolutely love technology.)
When her son pops into view, Shakira calls out, “Milan, tell the truth! Say how your mommy stood up to the wild boar.” The boy does not reply, but we can see the evidence of her bravery in the fact that she’s now on the other side of the run-in with her bag somewhat intact.
Shakira’s boar battle is part of a larger feral hog problem that the BBC says has led to a population explosion “across Europe, with the latest estimates now surpassing around 10 million across the continent.” The boars come into cities to eat other animals and delicious trash, leading to news items like one from earlier this week that saw the pigs ransacking Rome like four-legged ancient barbarians.
It’s all fun and games when the face of the hog menace consists of us picturing crowds of Italians shrieking “Mamma mia!” as the beasts seek revenge for the nation’s indirect invention of pepperoni pizza, but public opinion is bound to shift now that the pigs have come for an international musical icon.
It’s time for the boars to be sorted out.
We cannot live knowing they may attack our pop stars “whenever, wherever.” They must be corralled and moved to farms, where they can safely live out their lives annoying the other pigs about their past exploits, explaining to them that “actually, it’s pronounced ‘Barthelona.’”
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