It’s fairly common knowledge that politicians in Illinois have a tendency to do whatever they want, even if it’s not necessarily what one would consider “legal.” It’s like House Of Cards, except everybody realizes their elected officials are evil and they don’t really care because it’s usually harmless. That’s all changing now, though, because J. Michael Houston, the mayor of Springfield, Illinois, has just declared his support for Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization that is determined to rule the world. Over the past several decades, Cobra has been credited with countless attacks all over the planet, including several attempts to control the weather and carve things into the moon.
This shocking report comes from G.I. Joe fansite Generals Joes (via io9), which claims that Houston recently presented the organization’s leader—a mysterious masked man known only as Cobra Commander—with the key to the city. Though the key most likely serves no practical purpose, it does symbolize Houston—and, by extension, the entire city of Springfield—pledging their loyalty to Cobra Commander. This isn’t the first time Cobra and Springfield have colluded either, as the group has established bases in the Southern Illinois town in various G.I. Joe cartoons and comics. However, this latest example is certainly Cobra’s most flagrant show of disrespect to the American government since that time Zartan became president in the G.I. Joe movies.
Apparently, Houston met with Cobra Commander to promote an upcoming G.I. Joe convention that Springfield is hosting in April, but we know there’s something more nefarious going on. Basically, don’t be surprised if a lot of Springfieldians suddenly find themselves with new jobs that involve constructing giant lasers and pointing them at the moon. As of press time, the G.I. Joes—the codename for America’s daring, highly trained, special mission force—could not be reached for comment.