Stephen Colbert beats Gwyneth Patrow's new show out of the chute with his own pricey nonsense

And you’d be right, although Gwyneth herself was nowhere to be seen on Monday’s show. Which is probably for the best, as Colbert not only made merry sport of Goop’s vagina candle (put down your credit cards—it’s predictably sold out already), but also Paltrow’s upcoming Netflix series, The Goop Lab. Because, as much as that sounds like a really fun new Nickelodeon kids’ game show, it’s actually, as Colbert put it, a clearinghouse for “scientif-ish wellness techniques” where “Goopeth” can sell some stuff while encouraging people to eschew proven medical and scientific cures in favor of stuff she can wet her beak in. Introducing Covetton House’s dueling series, The Covetton Yurt, Colbert guaranteed similarly miraculous results* from, say $7,000 bottles of unpasteurized giraffe milk as Gwyneth seems to be doing for vanity exorcisms, energy channeling, pricey mind-readings, and making yourself really, really cold to ward off time’s futile ravages. Defending his competitor’s newest venture, Colbert challenged his audience, “Now, if you cynics out there think that this Goop Lab is some cash-grab that exploits people’s fear of aging, and sacrifices their safety to peddle pseudo-scientific, New Age-y garbage . . . well spotted.” But, as Gwyneth says in the trailer for her show (although in reference to life, and not cash, to be fair), “milk the shit out of it.” The Goop Lab premieres January 24 on Netflix.

*Not a guarantee.