It's hard to know what to say about the first episode of any new season of Survivor. There are always too many contestants in the early going to sort out who's who, and the dynamic is such that the players most likely to be in the mix at the end are still laying back, trying to not to stand out by being too bossy or too lazy. It takes a few weeks–or in the case of last season, about 10–before strategy starts to matter and the home viewer develops any real rooting interest. All the producers can do in episode one is give us a little taste of the locale, and introduce a few people who are easy to hate.
This year's location? Remote river islands in China, which means our local color in episode one consisted of temples, Buddhas, dragon costumes, The Art Of War and bamboo. Surely martial arts can't be far behind. And expect the soundtrack to contain many ominous and/or ironic gongs.
Who to hate? We've got a few strong candidates, one of whom has already been eliminated. Poor "Chicken," the 48-year-old Virginia farmer, screwed himself early by assuming that standing around while his tribemates worked and saying, "Are you sure you want to do that?" constituted "helpful suggestions." Irritated that his tribemates passive-aggressively decided to do nothing rather than hear him tsk-tsk their efforts to build a shelter, he passive-aggressived them right back, mumbling unenthusiastic assent to whatever plan they came up with. Apparently he thought this was a winning strategy, because when he was voted out–in a landslide–he spit out a loud, shocked, "DAMN!"
Also annoying: professional poker-player Jean-Robert, who started playing a weird head game with gay Mormon flight attendant Todd straight away, asking, "Are you really a flight attendant?" Right…because that's the kind of thing people lie about. (Come to think of it, Jean-Robert is annoying on World Series Of Poker, too.) Then there's Leslie, the Christian radio talk show host, who scrambled out of the opening Buddhist ceremony because it "felt too much like worship." ("I know I'm doing the right thing, but it's hard," she sobbed, before admitting later that she's really not that religious. Huh?) And also there's Courtney, the New York waitress and Gwen Stefani clone who rolled her eyes at everybody she met and everything that happened, using "I'm from New York" as her excuse for being jaded and above-it-all. Let me guess what neighborhood she lives in: Williamsburg, perhaps?