The next season of The Bachelor is beginning in just a few short weeks. Having proven ourselves to be big fans of the series with our Facebook live video reviews this past year, it was only logical that everything in the office would stop when the newest contestants’ bios went up on the ABC website. To wit: Alexis, 23, is an “aspiring dolphin trainer” whose biggest fear is “E.T. the alien.” Or consider Briana, 28, who, if she could be any animal, would be a “Dolphin so I could breathe underwater, do flips and be cute.” Perhaps Jasmine G. is more your style, who at 29 is a pro basketball dancer who calls herself the “girl version” of Guy Fieri.
These accomplished and talented women have really funny bios, but we felt there were some equally deserving candidates who should be part of the cast. Unfortunately, they don’t exist, so we decided to invent them. Below, please find The A.V. Club’s dream cast of women for this season of The Bachelor. Frankly, we’re even more excited for the upcoming release of bios for The Bachelorette, because those real men will make our fake women look like Jane Fonda in 9 To 5.
The Bachelor 2017 roster
- Avondale, 24, is an entrepreneur-turned-taxidermist who thinks curly fries are “bitchin’ tasty.”
- Chastity, 26, is a stock photo model whose childhood best friend was a Mr. Pibb bottle whom she made tiny knit hats for. She loves looking forlornly out the window.
- Stacexxxy (the x’s are silent), 23, is an aspiring cosmetician who loves setting things on fire. She says if she had her own Hogwarts house it would be “Gandhi.”
- Brittneee, 22, sells oxygen treatments at a mall kiosk and says her favorite artist is “whoever makes the inspirational saying plaques at World Market.”
- Lilac, 21, is a professional social media influencer. Her greatest dream is to help impoverished children improve their personal brand and claims that one time Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson sent her a dick pic.
- Chanice, 27, runs a charity that gives bricks to the homeless and has a tattoo on her wrist that contains the entire text of The Hunger Games in microscopic font.
- Jyll, 24, was once married to Kelsey Grammer.
- When asked about her all-time favorite author, Megyn, 27, threw scalding hot coffee in our face and ran screaming from the room.
- Felicity, 18, is an American drama television series created by J.J. Abrams and Matt Reeves and produced by Touchstone Television and Imagine Television for The WB.
- Leila, 20, is an “aspiring computer” who may actually just be a Twitter sexbot.
- Maddyllyyyn, 22, is an unpaid intern at an artisanal scissor shop who is currently suing NASA for emotional distress after the agency changed her astrological sign.
- Madison, 20, had a successful career in the underground Turkish knife-fighting circuit before retiring to open up an Etsy store specializing in decorative wine glasses filled with multi-colored ear swabs.
- Bailee, 23, loves her job as a host at Westworld.
- Portmanteau, 23, is currently working on her screenplay, a dramedy about Brexit featuring an all-puggle cast.
- Nianna, found staring through the window of our production offices, was 24 before she discovered that all of the female mannequins at Lord & Taylor are likenesses of her from the past, present, and future.
- Denise, 26, is a cathartic weeping instructor who says her favorite musician is Spotify because “he’s so talented and knows so many different songs.”
- Madison L., 25, is a Babadook and enjoys chocolate croissants.