Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

It's already underway: The trees are already on sale, the lights are already twinkling in every window, and that local radio station has already begun their crusade to play only holiday music (no matter how irritating or repetitive) until New Year's. It's the Christmas season! That special time of year when the marginally famous feel special enough to release a special song for holidays, causing a special combination of revulsion and pity within all of our hearts. Here's a small sampling of the horrors that await you: Heidi Klum, "Wonderland" Evidently, this song was recorded by Klum as part of an ad campaign for a German perfume company, though it sounds more like an incantation to make a wonderland, shining stars, and jingle bells appear. This song and video are the aural and visual equivelant of eating candy canes dipped in maple syrup sprinkled with gumdrops that have somehow been made into a yule log which is then served on the back of a sleigh driven by the jolliest snowman ever brought to life by the magical love and good wishes of two adorable children. Basically, if you watch more than one minute of it, you'll probably get diabetes.

Billy Idol, "White Christmas" What's great about Billy Idol is that he makes that same sneering face no matter what he's doing, whether it's awkwardly holding a present in front of a Christmas tree, or looking through a snow-covered window, or recording the blandest version of the blandest Christmas carol ever conceived. You have to sort of admire that kind of consistency. Also, this video has so many dissolves, watching it is like repeatedly falling down into a valley filled with Chrismas trees and shiny ornaments.

Lindsay Lohan's sibling, "Christmas Magic" It must be hard to be Lindsay Lohan's little sister. The only way that you can become famous is by trading on your family name, so you release an album called A Lohan Holiday, knowing that most people associate that name with the words "Firecrotch" and "weird prison cartoons." But Ali Lohan seems to have aimed her sights pretty low. With all the ghostly dancing grandparents, vague, colorful shapes, and cartoon "magic" swirls, this video was clearly marketed toward babies, and, really, they're the perfect audience for this kind of stuff. They're the only ones with an lengthy attention span for moving blobs and swirls, and also they can't read, so they have no idea who your embarrassing, hard-partying, ace-bandaged sister is.

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