The Golden Globes: Come For The Long Acceptance Speeches, Stay For A Glimpse Of The Twilight Werewolf

Usually there is only one good reason to watch The Golden Globes (aka Yola's Photobooth): To see if this will finally be the year that the camera cuts to a reaction shot of Nicole Kidman swigging Moet straight from the bottle, Diddy-style.

Basically, it's less an awards show and more a race to most visibly drunk. This year, however, there's a second good reason to watch The Golden Globes: Ricky Gervais is hosting, and his appearances at these things are always tiny, refreshing oases in the barren, self-important desert that is awards season.

So, two reasons to watch! That's a 100% increase from last year. You would think that the production company behind the Golden Globes would be pretty happy.  But besides hiring Ricky Gervais to host, they have other, far stupider changes up their sleeves.

From The NY Times:

Among other efforts, Dick Clark, which produces the show, unfurled a digital marketing effort on Monday that includes delivering daily 30-minute Web shows leading up to the awards. It is a strategy the company credits with helping to increase viewers by 17 percent for its American Music Awards in November.

“Younger viewers and new viewers will come along with the loyal fans, but you have to engage them ahead of time,” said Orly Adelson, Dick Clark’s president.

Soundz kewl, President Of Dick Clark (FYI: Nice title. The only one that would be more ridiculous is President Pro Tempore Of The Senate Of Dick Clark) There's nothing young people like more than watching web marketing in massive, 30-minute chunks every single day. You've found a way to turn the most common parental complaint—"Kids! They have such long attention spans!"—to your advantage. Kudos.

And the younger viewers, with their super-human attention spans, are sure to love this:

Philip Berk, president of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association, said his members weren’t immediately sold on the host idea. “We only agreed after getting assurance the awards and speeches will not suffer,” he said. “One of the things that makes our show more watchable than the Academy’s is that we don’t cut people off.”

Clearly, Philip Berk has never watched The Golden Globes. It's not the length of the acceptance speech that makes it watchable, it's how much Moet is currently coursing through the veins of the speech-giver.

But it's not all droning lengthy speeches and bulky Web shorts. This year's Golden Globes have another secret weapon: a strategic glamour positioning system.

Lately, Mr. Berk has been coordinating seating. “Anybody connected with ‘Nine’ is going to be sitting ringside,” he said, referring to the musical starring Nicole Kidman, Penélope Cruz, Kate Hudson and Daniel Day-Lewis.

Lining up younger stars has been a priority. Seated with “The Hurt Locker” contingent will be Taylor Lautner, the beefcake star of “The Twilight Saga: New Moon.” “He will be there to make the table look glamorous,” Mr. Berk said.

CGI Husky seat-fillers! This is genius. Is it too late to get Justin Beiber to sit at the It's Complicated table? His cherubic face (and astounding swagger) can distract from all the whole, "middle-aged people" vibe of that table.  Why not just throw a (chic) tarp over the cast of The Hurt Locker? We wouldn't want their dull, sallow, I-was-in-a-war-movie auras dimming Taylor Lautner's Twilight star glow.