The Today Show Is Slowly Killing Us All

By Amelie Gillette  |  July 30, 2008 | 4:38pm
Aux Features Hater

The Today Show, the morning program that feels like a slow release of helium directly inside your skull, exists in a kind of fog. Whether it's because the show airs so early in the morning, or because your mind hasn't fully switched from sleep to awake mode when watching it, The Today Show always seems unreal. It's not really happening. They didn't really just interview the guys from that old YouTube lion video live via satellite for no reason. Ann Curry is not an actual person—actual people blink, don't they? If this were really happening, they wouldn't all be giggling so much, right?

Sitting there, watching the show unfold in all its inanity is mildly excruciating, like being slapped in the face by balloon after balloon, all wielded by idiot after idiot—it's not so bad at first, but a few minutes in you're red-faced and flinching. Why did Al Roker just show a map of Africa and then Beijing and say "That's what's going on around the country…"? What? They strapped a reporter to a jetpack? But the jetpack can only go 8 feet up? They should ask her about that…[strains from Peter Pan's "I'm Flying" begin playing loudly]..What the hell? Stop it. Can everyone hear this?

Every morning it seems that Today can't get any worse, and then every morning, there it is adding a few extra inches to the infinitely large black hole of stupidity that it created. But today, things got really bad on Today. Today on Today they played Rock Band. What? Shh. Yes:

Good morning, nation! Are you awake now? Your television is Al Roker's personal living room, and one day, if you live long enough, your face will be on a creepily rotating jar of Smuckers jam, and your name will be said in between a hilariously humiliating round of Rock Band, and a segment about when you should throw away old pillows.

 
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