Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

There is no right way to close a bag of bread, but there is a chaotic evil one

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As we all learned from the Voight-Kampff test depicted in Blade Runner, seeing how people act in seemingly mundane or arbitrary situations can tell you a lot about the inner workings of their brains. When you see a turtle stuck on its back, do you flip it over or let it bake in the sun? When you squeeze a tube of toothpaste, do you start from the bottom or squeeze right at the top like a goddamn monster? And, perhaps most importantly, how do you handle your bread bag?


A recent tweet asks users to look inward and find the answer to this deeply personal and very serious bread question. In the meme styled after the Dungeons & Dragons system for character alignment, each bread-preserving technique is given as a cross-section between good, neutral, or evil on the y-axis and lawful, neutral, or chaotic on x-axis. Naturally, the lawfully good paladins of the sandwich realm will always keep their loaves pristine in a bread box. Meanwhile evil bread owners resort to simply tucking the bag underneath the reaming bread or leaving the bag completely open like some mold-craving heathen. True neutral toast-makers do their best to stay out of the conversation by employing the use of a nearby rubber band.

So, which are you? This is important. Get off your computer and go look at the loaf of bread in your kitchen. Go on. Go. We’ll wait. And before you ask, this is the “bottle hack,” i.e. a thing literally no one does.

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About the author

Dan Neilan

Contributor, The A.V. Club. Have Fun — Will Travel.