Things That Exist Again

By Amelie Gillette | June 29, 2007 | 5:24pm

Aux Features Hater

Things That Exist Again, But Shouldn't

1. Paula Abdul.

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Remember back in the halcyon days before American Idol when Paula Abdul's name would only come up in jokes told by Hal Sparks on I Love The 90s? That should have been the period on the end of the sentence that is Paula Abdul's career– and it would have been a perfectly fine end to a career as an early-90s pop singer/ex-wife of Emilio Estevez, if American Idol hadn't come along and turned Abdul into the equivalent of a zombie celebrity.

It's better to burn out than fade away, but if you're intent on fading away, don't bring TV cameras and make it into a Bravo reality show called, ugh, Hey Paula:

That's right, Paula Abdul has a QVC jewelry line. She's a businesswoman! Also, according to the horrific hour of Hey Paula I watched last night, she is working on a line of Paula Abdul perfumes, and she was the costume consultant for the upcoming Bratz movie. And she's on American Idol, and has a terrible Bravo reality show. So, basically, Paula Abdul is one of the three major fonts emptying awful pop culture detritus on all of us (the other two are Donald Trump and Simon Cowell).

The worst part about Hey Paula was the opening where Abdul says something to the effect of, "My fans see Paula the celebrity first, but then they just see me. I'm just a normal person, blah, blah, blah.." then she jokingly wraps a black diamond necklace (that's on loan) around one of her four Chihuahuas, and later on bitches at her two assistants for not bringing her the right sweatpants.

2. Scott Baio.

You may know Scott Baio from Charles In Charge, or Happy Days, or one of his "50+ movie and television projects", but this summer, you'll know him from the crushing loss of dignity that comes with having a reality show on VH1.

And not just any reality show on VH1, a show called

Scott Baio Is 45…And Single (the ellipses really hammer home the desperation). The conceit of this show is that Baio is 45, single, and facing some kind of existential crisis about being alone, which is something that anyone who read Baio's book proposal knows isn't true at all. In reality, Baio is 45, single, and apparently really, really desperate for money–so desperate that he's willing to follow in the footsteps of other VH1 reality show stars like Andrew Dice Clay, Danny Bonaduce, and Tastee.

3. The Spice Girls.

Bands hobbling back together in order to make some money is nothing new. In fact, it's something of a tradition.

But most bands that reunite weren't totally based on costumes that precisely fit adorable nicknames–Posh, Sporty, Ginger, Baby, Scary–nicknames that don't really fit anymore:

(That's Android, Sleek, Hippie-Mom, Non-Baby, and Eddie Murphy's Ex Spice, respectively)

And most bands that reunite don't have some kind of

robot voice-correcting machine in tow in order to sonically reproduce the year 1999, but that's the way things go in Spiceworld!