Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Things That Still Exist

Things That Still Exist But Shouldn't 1. The L-Word

If I could pick an exact moment when

The L-Word should have been canceled, it would be when the parrot-nosed, blonde-dreadlocked member of Betty engages in mutual masturbation with a sex therapist in a jacuzzi on a cruise ship. That scene was in the middle of season 2, and like many of the scenes that season, it didn't really have a point—other than topless-gross-Betty-member-related shock value—and I believe it was done on a dare. Since then, it's been an endless parade of ridiculousness: from circus-related incest nightmares, to characters that suddenly go from thoroughly evil to sweet (Helena), to cartoonish testosterone rages, to lengthy chains of interconnected characters that lead absolutely nowhere, to at least one sensual use of a toilet. The first episode of the 4th season which aired on Sunday featured a 10-minute explanation of how to use an L-Word promotional site, ourchart.com, as well as the most boring downward spiral in history (cocaine, wild parties, and drinking and driving? Oh my!) that looked as if it were shot by a 13-year-old who was very influenced by the movie Blow. Basically, someone needs to stop this show before Shane meets Cybil Shepard on Ourchart.com, and they have hand-sex in a hot air balloon shaped like boobs that is for some reason tethered to the roof of The Planet (Episode 6). 2. The Charmin Bears


I don't know how long these bears have been doing that disconcerting butt wiggle in the name of Charmin, but it's way, way too long. But worse than the butt wiggle, and the droning "Cha-Cha-Cha..Charmin!" that accompanies it, is the moment in every commercial where the bear goes behind a tree, Charmin in hand, and we as an audience are forced to imagine the cartoon bear shitting cartoon poop in the cartoon woods. And then we see the bear smile in pleasure as he uses the toilet paper! I mean, come on, Charmin. Everyone knows what toilet paper is used for, you don't need to endlessly manufacture fuzzy wuzzy bears that come within one, thin cartoon tree of showing us. 3. Pete Wentz's pointy bangs


When you're in a band, even Fall Out Boy, it's important to cultivate an image. But if that image involves shoving all your hair to one side of your face and gelling it into pointy bangs of submission, day after day, year after year, single after emo-y single, well then it's probably time to reevaluate things. At this point, and with that hair, Pete Wentz looks like the girl-jeans-wearing, emo-pop Donald Trump, with all the misused styling products that implies.


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