Things That Still Exist, But Shouldn't

1. The Internet/Computers/"Cyber" Things As Movie Villains




Technology is only scary under two conditions: 1. You, and the world in general, are unfamiliar with it, and 2. The technology is menacingly wielding a knife, gun, laser, poison darts, spiked club, or some other weapon. For example: Tiny injectable robots that shoot sulfuric acid so their victims melt from the inside out? That would be a sufficiently scary movie villain. An "untraceable" website that's trying to kill you with "hits"? That's not terrifying, or thrilling, or even mildly interesting. That's The Net 2.0.

Do you think that Diane Lane even knows what a wireless network is? How else could she shout, "He got all the way into my wireless network!" without laughing?

Besides, everyone knows that the Internet doesn't kill you. It just molests your kids.

2. RonCo

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Statistically speaking, shouldn't Ron Popeil have been killed (or at least horribly maimed) by one of his many RonCo inventions by now? Perhaps crushed underneath a collapsed shelf full of one too many Showtime Rotisseries, or accidentally sliced with a Veg-O-Matic, or shocked by a short-circuited RonCo Electric Food Dehydrator? Still, he, and his infomercials, persevere. He's always there, offering a free set of all the knives you'll ever need with every purchase of a RonCo ChefNGo (aka crock pot).

I doubt he's even human. He probably has Pocket Fisherman for hands, and exhales Great Looking Hair (aka toupee in a can) instead of carbon dioxide at this point. He should just go take a rest on his bed made out of discarded shells from the inside-the-shell Egg Scrambler.

After all, the success of RonCo is to blame for both Billy Mays (who evidently got his Always Be Shouting technique from Popeil), and the endless commercials for The Endless Pool (which got its blatant uselessness from several RonCo products).

3. Dating shows on MTV

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The quickest way to get angry is to watch the first 2 minutes of any episode of Parental Control, Date My Mom, MTV Exposed and whatever else the network has concocted from the body parts of the long-withered corpse of Singled Out.

Watch any longer than that, and you'll feel a phantom pain in your shin that is the result of stupidity furiously humping your leg.

4. The word "bromance"

It's bad enough being confronted with a photo of the boundless enthusiasm of Will Smith as it entwines with the creepy smile-itude of Tom Cruise like two plumes of noxious smoke curling around each other without having to read a caption that contains the word "bromance."

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