This Week In Terrifying Hybrids 1. Simon Cowell + Desire To Clog The Networks With Crap + David Hasselhoff = America's Got Talent

If you're one of the millions who watch

American Idol, I'm blaming you for this. Collectively you've imbued Simon Cowell with so much power, that he can go to NBC and say, "What about a maddeningly non-specific talent show, with no criteria at all, and Brandy as a judge?" and they will give him an hour each week. Did anyone see this? Honestly, the force of its stupidity is so powerful that it shoots straight through dumb, sails right past funny, and lands smack in the middle of anger-inducing. The first contestant on the first show was a "professional snappist" named Bobby Badfingers (pictured above). He was dressed like fat Elvis, sweated like he was on mescaline, and snapped his fingers furiously into a microphone for 5 minutes. The judges (Brandy, Hasselhoff, and some British guy) couldn't praise him enough. The British guy was especially moved, saying, "Bobby Badfingers, America's going to love you!" Next up was some guy who had horns strapped all over his body. He played them all furiously for five minutes––but the judges were not so impressed. The British guy leaned back and sneered, as if to say, "Horns? Pathetic. Come back when you learn how to snap." So, evidently, the line between talent and no talent is drawn right between snapping and playing horns strapped all over your body. Good to know. 2. Jay-Z's Life Story + A Musical + No Actual Contact With Jay-Z = Confessions Of A Thug

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hip-hop musical will never be a good idea. Why? Because everyone at some point has seen a high school production of Romeo & Juliet or Little Red Riding Hood updated as a "rap musical," or Carmen: A Hip-Hopera, that God-awful MTV movie from a while back, and no one wants to think about those things ever again. In addition, no one, including Jay-Z, wants to hear that their life "inspired" a hip-hop musical. Especially one that is described as "Dramatically acted and told through hard-hitting music and rap performances. These are the . . . . . . . . . . Confessions Of A Thug." (Incidentally, that's the longest unironic use of ellipses on record.) 3. David Lynch + Boredom + Cell Phone = David Lynch Ringtones

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Yep. Lynch's next project is selling creepy ringtones and wallpapers. You can find them all

here. Want to alienate everyone around you? Or constantly have to explain what that horrible noise is every time someone calls you? Do you have $4 to waste on hipster accoutrements? Then pay $3.99 for a David Lynch ringtone. My personal favorite is "Teeth," which is someone saying, "My teeth are bleeding. My teeth are bleeding," in a disconcerting, high-pitched wail over and over again.

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