Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Unimaginative internet commenters try to dismiss video of new cryptid as really big turtle

Clear, indisputable proof of a new cryptid’s existence.
Clear, indisputable proof of a new cryptid’s existence.
Screenshot: Ethan Davis

Last Sunday, as professional golfers blithely competed in the 2021 Wells Fargo Championship, something momentous happened: A new water monster announced itself to the world.

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In a video captured by YouTube user Ethan Davis, this mysterious cryptid is shown emerging from a pond at Charlotte, North Carolina’s Quail Hollow Club. Look at it appear, a shadowy form rising from the (probably not all that deep) depths before vanishing again once it realizes it has mistakenly shown itself on film. There’s no disputing that this clip is scientific proof of a previously unheard-of being, perhaps a distant relative of Nessie or the aquatic mutant child of Bigfoot and his latest lover, an aquatic extraterrestrial denizen of the ocean-covered Planet Glorflob.

And yet, the killjoys in Davis’ YouTube comments insist on trying to deny the miracle in front of their very eyes. “Alligator snapping turtles can get that big,” one person writes. “That is the head of very large alligator snapping turtle,” another adds. “jfc it’s a turtle,” someone has posted. To one viewer’s appropriately phrased question of “What the heck is in the lake?” a commenter has responded: “Literally a turtle.” These desperate attempts to rationalize such a bizarre, mind-bending event are understandable, but also sad to witness firsthand.

Countless examples of completely, 100% inexplicable paranormal events keep surfacing. We’ve seen Yangtze River river monsters, alien beings walking around on home security footage, and Polish lizard-things that shapeshift into croissants when examined too closely. At this point, it’s only a matter of time before these documents are revealed as proof that strange interdimensional beings haunt every facet of our shakily perceived reality. We look forward to Demi Lovato uncovering this once and for all on her new TV show.

[via Digg]

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Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.