Legends passed down through the centuries speak of an enduring evil, waiting to manifest itself when the stars properly align in the night sky and the appropriate firmware update is applied. Then, we’ve long been told, the nemesis himself will be reborn, his vile form imprisoned inside a cursed object that speaks to Dutch women in the form of a weedy little voice saying “suck my dick” through a webcam. This dread event has finally come to pass. The footage, newly released by Vatican officials, is terrible to behold.
Although the clip pretty much speaks for itself, the full story adds a little extra texture. It all began, like the start of so many horror movies, with a fateful decision: unsuspecting Rilana Hamer buying a cheap webcam from a Dutch bargain store to monitor her puppy. Soon enough, strange noises coming from her living room prompted Hamer to investigate, discovering the webcam moving around on its own and, worse, attempting to strike up a conversation. A faint little nerd voice tries to communicate, asking Hamer in an unnaturally high pitch, “Do you speak French?” She tells it, “No, English.” The camera mutely swivels its head, guided by an unseen hand. Hamer curses it out while the voice tries out a few other languages before settling on the lingua franca of hackers everywhere: requesting fellatio.
The video’s terrifying, with just enough of the uncanny to render it darkly funny. The immediate terror subsides when you hear the hacker’s distorted typing and his parting bon mot, but resurfaces a moment later with the recognition that we live in a time where there’s always the very real, non-supernatural possibility that a stranger can be watching your every movement through a remote device. This Halloween, the devil isn’t coming through a haunted doll, but your dang webcam. Regularly change your passwords, friends.