Our writers battle it out below; vote in the last poll to end the Wars and declare a winner.
Landspeeder
Is there a more crucial vehicle than the one Luke races around Tatooine and sells to get off the planet farthest from the bright center of the universe? The answer is no. This all-important ride is Luke’s ticket to the galaxy and his Jedi future, but it’s also the symbol of his youthful past, the kind of car suburban teens everywhere inherit from their parents (or aunt and uncle), the beater they’ll love more than any shiny new car they’ll buy as adults. It’s a good, solid vehicle used for good that doesn’t get destroyed, unlike the AT-AT, a tank on stilts just asking to get tangled. Boba Fett’s Slave I? Another vehicle used for evil, transporting Han’s carbonite-encassed body. Even the speederbikes, used by Luke and Leia, are instruments of the Imperials. The best vehicle of the galaxy, my comrades, cannot be a vehicle used for evil. Luke’s landspeeder is the clear winner. [Caitlin PenzeyMoog]
AT-AT
There are a ton of bullshit reasons someone could trot out to lay claim to the supremacy of the AT-AT: mobility, flexibility, capacity. But those are all after-the-fact justifications to bolster the real reason the AT-AT is best. It’s a giant mechanical lion-cub with lasers on its head. With those skinny little legs ending in big clumsy feet, the AT-AT has the proportions of a baby animal. Its tentative, first-steps gait would be precious if every footfall weren’t so deadly. The AT-AT is best, because it is an adorable four-story murder palace. The stereotype about the suburbs is each social interaction is a passive-aggressive struggle for social dominance. Eradicate these petty contests as surely as you would a Rebel base by striding down Oakvale Lane in an AT-AT, a vehicle that will put to rest any question of where you stand in the order of things. Clearly, you are above it all. [Nick Wanserski]
Boba Fett’s Slave I
Boba Fett’s Slave I is the best vehicle for life in the suburbs because it’s simply the best vehicle in general. The AT-AT may be better in the snow, but that’s because the Slave I can fly and snow is irrelevant. The landspeeder may be the vehicle of choice for teenagers yearning for freedom, but that’s only because they can’t be trusted with something this fast and well-armed. And sure, a speeder bike may be more appealing to someone trying to spice up their life, but the Slave I is for people whose lives are already spicy. You know that ad where Matthew McConaughey drives his Lincoln to a cool party and everyone’s listening to jazz? The Slave I is for people who are too cool for that party. [Sam Barsanti]
Speeder bike
Okay, so when it comes right down to it, what are you looking for in a vehicle? If you want big but ridiculously balanced and difficult to store, go with the AT-AT. If you want something that screams, “I love being a grandparent!” go with a landspeeder. And if you’d prefer to tell the world that you’re an overrated one-off who’s true destiny lies in an immobile alien’s stomach, by all means, go with Slave I. But for real speed, real maneuverability, and the very real sense that you’re going to die in about 30 seconds, go with a speeder bike. It’s the fastest, coolest ride around, and however you get killed riding it (and you will get killed), at least you’re go out with a bang instead of a belch. [Zack Handlen]
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