Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Who Wants To Pay For Hulu? Anyone?

Hulu, the free online TV and movie library from NBC, Fox, & ABC that sounds like a pineapple BBQ sauce, is a convenient service.  If you want to watch JFK: America's Prince at 3am because it's the only thing that can get you to sleep in ten minutes, Hulu is there. If you want to watch any and all of Fox Reality's sub-human programming to give yourself a Saturday afternoon self-esteem boost, Hulu is there. If you want to groan through the exact same Absolut vodka commercial four times in a 24-minute period, Hulu is there.

But pretty soon, maybe some time next year, you might have to pay to have Hulu there. Why? Something to do with business models and content values and other infuriating business words said by a businessman earlier this afternoon.


From an interview with News Corp. Deputy Chairman Chase Carey, as reported by Broadcasting & Cable:

“I think a free model is a very difficult way to capture the value of our content. I think what we need to do is deliver that content to consumers in a way where they will appreciate the value,” Carey said. “Hulu concurs with that, it needs to evolve to have a meaningful subscription model as part of its business.”

So there you have it: Hulu is a sentient lifeform capable of agreeing and disagreeing with proposals, and also buisinesspeople can't speak in clear sentences. Just spit it out, Chase Carey. "We're probably gonna charge money for Hulu at some point. Cause we can." Done! No need to coat it in powerpoints and board meetings and laser pointers. Christ. Reading that quote is like being repeatedly hit in the face with a giant Office Depot catalogue.

For future reference, here are a few common phrases translated from buisnessspeak into English, just in case you ever encounter Chase Carey or his ilk in the wild:

Business-speak: "I think we've gotten to the point where locating the building that houses all of the bound content is a workable model for us."

English: "Where is the library?"

Business-speak: "An inquiry must be made as to whether or not our competitor's model is capable of delivering content to its consumers."


English: "How are you?"

Business-speak: "At this juncture, it would be prudent to reveal that our current model is a sound one."


English: "I'm fine."

Business-speak: "I recognize that the potassium-rich content you're providing has some value, but am uncertain as to how much value it would really have to an individual consumer."


English: "How much does that banana cost?"

Business-speak: "The value of the potassium-rich content is very much appreciated by the consumer."


English: "This banana is good."