So many factors influence the naming of a band—musical style, location, attitude, goals, personalities, desperate need to stick out/sound deep—that it's no wonder The A.V. Club finds an endless bounty of funny, stupid, and confusing names every year for our annual band-names list. After all, someone out there right this very moment is forming a band and wondering what to call it, just like someone seriously thought A Hero Named Hope was a good idea. Each year, we receive thousands of albums, press releases, and show listings for venues around the country, and each year, we assemble a list of the notable names we encountered along the way. A reminder before we get started: This list isn't meant to compile the worst names of all time or assess the quality of the band's music. For all we know, Put Down The Muffin is the next Radiohead. We just think the name is funny.
• Ska Skank Redemption
The website says the members' hearts are full of funny stories, video games, and "a certain love for the sea." (?)
• Fuckface Unstoppable
Continuing the theme, this Chicago band lists "tasty waves, gnarly jams, curmudgeonly old sea captains" as influences.
STILL USING EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!
• Ring The Alarm!!!
• Come On Gang!
The Student Radio Association says it's "the hottest band in the world today!"
• Right Away, Great Captain!
• The Terror Pigeon Dance Revolt!
These guys never met a photo collage unworthy of their website.
• Watchout! Theres Ghosts
"this music thing used to be a crush,now i'm ready to marry the bitch on the bloodiest of beaches in the most haunted chapels."
Featuring one of the dudes from One Tree Hill! OMG!
WINNER, MOST OVERWROUGHT ACRONYM
• PUBLIC OFFENDERS
It stands for Poverty United Building Love in Inner Cities Our Future For Every Nation Does Effect Reality Situations. They also win for Least Legible MySpace Page.
FUNK BANDS WILL NEVER GET IT
Not a funk band, but that's no excuse.
• The Funk Box
• Phat Phunktion
• Libido Funk Circus
"By popular demand, Libido Funk Circus frequently performs both 70's and 80's theme nights; complete with authentic costuming and music from each era. Perfect for theme parties, class reunions and more!"
• Truman Peyote
• Calvin And The Shitpunks
From "About" on their MySpace page: "He's Calvin, we're The Shitpunks, and we FUCK SHIT UP."
• Gay For Johnny Depp
Song title: "Belief In God Is So Adorable"
• Celine Dion 2013
Sounds like: "The world trade center collapsing with a little rhythm and sometimes even melody." Classy.
• Glissando Bin Laden And His Musichideen
• Skablow Eskabar
• Pabst Smear
UrbanDictionary.com has three different definitions of this word.
• The Van Gobots
BITCH WHORE SLUT ETC.
• The Whore Moans
Two bands claim this name: one from Seattle, the other from Toronto.
• Womb Ripper
"NEVER FORGET THAT CHUCKY CHEESE IS A FUCKING RAT," proclaims its MySpace page.
• The Sons Of Many Bitches
• Prostitute Disfigurement
Sample song titles: "Torn In Bloated Form," "Carnal Rapture," "Freaking On The Mutilated"
• Bier Slüt
Album: Fuck The Superdome
• The Angel Sluts
• Bitches With Instruments
THE ALWAYS POPULAR VAG
Here's "Premature Decapitation":
NIPPLES THAT ARE STIFF
• Hard Nips
The "nip" in this case is short for "Nippon," a.k.a. Japan. It's a quartet of Japanese ladies that sounds like "sex, sushi & rocknroll shat out of your butt."
• Nipples Erectis
• Crotch Rock It
'80s crotch rock cover band
• Boner No Boner
THE FUTURE LIES
• We Were Promised Jetpacks
"Connecting dual pairs conscience & consciousness; subconscious & the Unknown is our influence." Um, okay.
• Groovitational Pull
• Shoeless Revolution
"Although it may be slightly confusing trying to keep your favorite local bands straight, The Shoeless Revolution is fairly easy to identify." Really, how? Its bio doesn't say.
• The Book Of Right On
Influences: "Puppy kisses and unicorn sneezes. The Man. Safe drugs/bad sex. Tight footwear. Living in a nation that made macaroni and cheese EASIER to make."
• Weapons Of Mass Creation
"Matt Festle and I, (Nick Morlock) met in Guitar class. While getting an easy A, we thought correspondingly on many of the same subjects, for instance, the seriousness of how fucked up the world is right now."
SO HEAVY, DUDE
• Predominant Mortification
• Condemn The Infected
• Climax Denial
• Disthroned Agony
• Carnal Befoulment
Song: "Blister Bloated And Semen Coated"
• Black Arrows Of Filth & Impurity
"Attention weak bands: adds are not necessary. Attention status quo idiots: ditto. Attention ex girlfriends: die slowly. Attention all haters: ditto."
• Cannibinol Synapse
• Blessed Sacrifist
"ATTENTION ASSHOLES WHO BOOK SHOWS: I WANT TO PLAY WITH ANYONE AND EVERYONE. FOR REAL."
• Christ Inversion
Sounds like: "The venomous vomit of Satan."
• Stab Stab Die
• God Equals Genocide
• Backseat Goodbye
• Here We Go Magic
• I Bet I Was A Massacre
Influences: The Black Dahlia Murder, Lady Gaga.
• A Bullet For A Pretty Boy
More like A Razor For An Emo Haircut
• Rebels Without Applause
• Night Shall Eat These Girls And Boys
• The Oi!strs
• Solemn Meant Walks
A couple of disparate bands claim this name: One's a black-metal outfit from Singapore featuring a member who claims to a reincarnated "Nazi warrior"; the other's a Belgian electronic band.
• Diagram Of Truth
• Ashes Of Babylon
• Slay The Dawn
• The Thorns Of Life
• Dinosaurs From The Future
• Eye Of The Great Protector
• Betrayed By Sorrow
"HARD ROCK W✝TH A PURPOSE"
• As I Lay Awake In Ruin
• Soldier On Dear Friend
• A Wretched Betrayal
• A Hero Named Hope
• Sound Of The Blue Heart
• The Funeral And The Twilight
• 2MorroW EvR AfteR
• Poet In Process
She's Spanish—maybe it sounds better in her native tongue?
• Heartbreak In Action
• We Are The In Crowd
• Secret And Whisper
• True Womanhood
• My Milky Way Arms
Put Down The Muffin
If you think PDTM isn't the kind of band that has a logo, you're wrong:
• Sweet Tooth Meat Tooth
• German Beef Initiative
"The zombie walkers and vacuum assholes abounding, the German Beef Initiative stuck to their cause even while the New England occupation of Texas seemed complete with facist commandant marching down Congress Street, vibrator lodged in ass screaming, 'Limits to freedom!'"
• Pianos Becomes The Teeth
• Eternal Search For Math
• There’s Still Time Grey Timberwolf
• Feed God Cabbage
• Pipes You See, Pipes You Don’t See
• Gardening, Not Architecture
• Todd Is New Each Moment
• Calibrated Crematorium
• Hammer No More The Fingers
• My Cousin, The Emperor
• Polka Dot Dot Dot
• Faster Faster Harder Harder
• Shit Yeah Girl
• Computer Jesus Refrigerator
To view its MySpace page is to gaze into a schizophrenic abyss—exactly what you'd expect from a band whose name is three random words thrown together.
• I Was A Lover DeLorean Was A Dealer
STOP WITH THE Zs ALREADY
• MIDIval Punditz
"The Moistboyz are sick and tired of bullshit and candy-coated VH1 girl-rock. They will not appear in panties or women's clothes. The Moistboyz are not spokesmen of the oppressed. They care nothing for causes, marches, or human rights, because 'human rights' are only the communist watering-down of FREEDOM."
• Baaad Boiz
FOREVER DAMNED TO SAY “IT’S A PALINDROME!”
WILL NEVER BE SPELLED CORRECTLY BY PROMOTERS
• W (aa) Ou W
• Warren Jackson Hearne And The Merrie Murdre Of Gloomadeers
• Spellcaster’s Rock ‘n’ Roll Time Travel Committee
• Electric Mountain Rotten Apple Gang
• Superfun Yeah Yeah Rocketship
• Frantic Clam
• USA Solid Golden Retrievers
• Freelance Whales
• (This Is The) Squirrel Hunters
• Kittens Ablaze
• Dolphins Of Tomorrow
Their bio is apparently written by dolphins: "squeek squeek click click tickety tick tick squak squawk!"
• Wolf In A Spacesuit
• Girl Fart
• Butt Funnel
• Violent Bullshit
• Fresh Breath Committee
"Fresh Breath Committee is a Denver hip-hop group driven to create substantial hip-hop music in an industry that has evolved into hip-pop and rap." Huh?
• Possible Fathers
• Wet Coma
• Autopilot Is For Lovers
Featuring Henny Youngman's great-niece!
• Amid The Noise And Haste
"Mark David Chapman should have shot Yoko." Dur.
• We Must Dismantle All This
"fascism, sexism, racism, classicism, homophobia, and most of all the institution that allows these absurdities to thrive - the state - WE MUST DISMANTLE ALL THIS!"
• Suburban Kids With Biblical Names
This one is actually a Silver Jews reference.
• Three Beers ‘Til Dubuque
Influences: "BEER and Tom Jones"