We’re often told that those who work in financial services are deeply knowledgeable people, deserving of large salaries and professional respect for the important work they do. If they crash economies or swindle investors, that’s a small price to pay for the essential role they play in keeping the world turning. Only a skilled, analytical mind can do what they do, after all.
Anyway, unrelated to anything, here’s a hamster from Germany named Mr. Goxx who’s outperformed the S&P 500 with his one-rodent cryptocurrency trading firm.
Mr. Goxx is the livestreaming “CEO & Founder of Goxx Capital,” who, as Vice reports, works inside a miniature office in Germany equipped with “a treadmill, a tunnel to scurry down for ‘buy’ and a tunnel for ‘sell,’ two cameras, a Tesla emblem, a desk with miniature computers, and a killer view of a cityscape.” (This YouTube office tour shows off his executive suite.) By scampering along his treadmill, he activates a process that picks from a selection of cryptocurrencies that he then either buys or sells based on his decision to walk into one tunnel or another afterward. Each trade is set to €20 and his tunnels won’t make another transaction “for 20 seconds after he’s run through them.”
Mr. Goxx’s initial portfolio consisted of €326 ($381) when he founded his company back in June. Though “he’s usually running at a loss,” the hamster “was up 19.41%” at the end of day yesterday, “outperforming the S&P 500 for the past three months.”
Obviously, this means that Mr. Goxx is the vanguard of a new wave of hamster-led financial services that will completely replace the need for human involvement. We can see it now—entire tunnels of investment firms running beneath the surface of the cracked and burning topsoil of our planet, the hamster traders with their cute little noses caked in white powder bustling back and forth as they turn the wheels of post-apocalyptic industry. Always with them, enshrined fluffy and immortal in their minds, is the groundbreaking Mr. Goxx.
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